Quick: Would you rather be liked or respected?

Yes, I know, you want to be liked and respected. But if you had to choose only one -- because sometime you may have to -- which would it be? Your answer to that question could change the course of your life.

Confession time: I was 9 years old, in sixth grade, and in a new school for the third time in 3 years. That alone, being the new kid, 2 years younger than everyone else, made me different. Furthermore, this particular school had a very, um, developed culture, one which I neither knew nor understood. To make matters worse, I quickly ended up on the 'wrong' side of a political discussion, that is, taking the opposite point of view to everyone else (I'm pretty sure we were all parroting our parents' beliefs, and my parents just thought differently than the other parents).

To my parents' great surprise, I instinctively framed the question as one of being liked (for agreeing with everyone) versus being respected (for backing up my opinion with research, which I did). I held my ground in arguments for a week or so, during which time I was ostracized, and then the whole episode faded away. What I took from it, though, was the knowledge that I could stand up for my point of view -- and live.

Wanting, or needing, to be liked is natural, and inculcated in us as toddlers. If we act in ways that please our parents (aka the adults who control our lives), then we get fed and held and smiled at and other treats. If we don't please our parents, we're punished in a variety of ways. So we learn to please others as a way of getting what we want, or at least avoiding what we don't want.

But it often goes too far, and becomes co-dependence, a state in which you deny your own needs to the point of not even being able to recognize them any more. You value others' approval of your thinking, feelings and behavior over your own. This people-pleasing behavior may even attract (or allow) abuse. Eventually, you no longer know who you really are. You go along with the crowd, you think inside the box, and you wonder why you're unhappy.

Choosing being respected over being liked, on the other hand, means following your own conscience, even when it leads you to do things that others don't like. That can get you ostracized, which can mean feeling mighty lonely.

The upside of this is that you're clear about who you are, and what you want. You're free to learn what you want, think what you want, to say what is right and appropriate, to stand up for yourself. This is very difficult as a kid, because you are truly stuck -- you don't get to choose your neighborhood or your school. But as an adult, you can move, you can change jobs, or even fields -- or you can just find new friends!

Now: which do you choose, being liked or being respected?

Love and Respect

If I had a dime for every time I heard someone, usually a woman (but it happens to men, too), say she wasn't feeling loved by her significant other, I'd be a very wealthy woman. And I think she's often confusing love with respect.

Love is a feeling. It is literally a cord running between your heart and your partner's, with energy flowing both ways. This is why many people, when they describe love, describe it as a warm feeling in their heart. They are literally feeling that flow of non-physical energy. Love is something that just exists. You can feel it, or not, but it is still there. You are made of the stuff of the universe, which in some sense, is love. So being loved, living in love is your birthright. You are loved by the universe simply because you exist.

Respect, on the other hand, is something you earn. You earn it through your actions, or perhaps your words or your choices, because in some sense, they are actions.

So you can be loved without being respected. Think of how you love a pet, especially if the pet pees on the living room rug. You feel the tug in your heart, the love, and you forgive it. Do you respect your pet? Not so much.

You can also be respected without being loved. This is the norm in work situations. You expect to be spoken to respectfully, to have requests made of you, rather than having orders barked at you (even if they're really orders). You expect that your opinion will be at least requested, if not acted upon, before a major change in something which is in your area of expertise and/or authority. If they don't respect your work, or your work ethic (showing up late, messing up assignments, etc.), eventually you're gone. But that warm, fuzzy feeling around your heart? It's not there, you don't even expect it to be there.

The problem is that some relationships, like intimate ones with significant others, have to be relationships of both love and respect, in order to work right.

If you are loved, but not respected in an intimate relationship, you'll end up feeling worse and worse about yourself. When you accept disrespect, rather than standing up to it, especially when it is fed to you as a steady diet, you only have two choices. You can either agree with the other person's low opinion of you, and think less of yourself; or you can disagree with that opinion, and think less of yourself for not standing up to it. Either way, you feel worse about yourself. (Abusers count on this.)

If you are respected, but not loved, in an intimate relationship, you'll feel that lack of warmth around your heart, and will know at a deep level that something is missing, even if on the surface, nothing is wrong.

So when a relationship isn't working, ask yourself: is it the love that's missing? or the respect?  And is there anything I can do to change that?

12th rule for a happy life

12. Don't take yourself too seriously ~ remember, deepest within you is joy and delight.

(This was from a reader. For the other 11, see Dec. 12 post.)

11 Simple Rules for a Happy Life

I am not foolish enough, nor do I have enough hubris, to think that what follows is a complete list, but it’s everything I can think of at the moment (and it is how I try to live, but like everyone else, I’m imperfect). I am certainly open to suggestions, so please send them along and I’ll post any updated versions here.

1) Act from love.

• Be kind, accepting, tolerant, patient -- and that includes acting that way toward yourself!
• Be mindful of the divine flow.

2) Be careful what you do and what you think. You are responsible for your actions and therefore for your consequences.

• Actions have consequences.
• Thoughts are actions in energy form.
• Appreciate what you have, because what you focus on, expands.

3) Live your truth/higher perception to the best of your ability.

• Be who you are, not who you think you are supposed to be. The world doesn’t need another pale imitation of some commercial ideal; it needs real people, being who they are, and bringing their unique gifts and point of view to heal the problems we have.
• Listen to your own higher wisdom. We all have access, even if we’ve been taught not to use it because it’s been too much of a threat to the power structure.
• Tell the truth, whenever possible (you may not know it, or it may conflict with another of these rules, in which case, see #11). Remember, spoken and written words are actions.

4) Respect others.

• Part I: The Platinum Rule: Treat people as they wish to be treated.
• Part II: In the absence of the Platinum Rule (that is, when you don’t know how someone else would like to be treated), use the Golden Rule: treat others how you wish to be treated.

5) Respect nature.

• This includes your own body (eat food, not chemicals).
• Use as few resources as you need to to do the job properly and comfortably.
• Turn down the thermostat (or turn it up in the summer — or better yet, open the windows and let nature in!).
• Turn off the lights you don’t need.
• Walk (you’ll get to know your neighbors and neighborhood) for your errands (it’s great exercise, too!).
• Recycle.
• Share: borrow and return in good condition (neighbors and friends are a great resource) and be willing to lend, too. This builds community.
• Buy used or recycled, or better yet, ask if you really need something before you buy it.
• Don't print if you don't have to, and if you have to print, use both sides of your paper.
• Take your name off the mailing lists (so the paper isn’t wasted).
• Don’t drive if you don’t have to (carpool! Or take public transit — you might meet someone interesting).
• Grow what food you can — it’ll taste good, and feel good, too.
• You get the idea.

6) Respect limits, including the ones you reasonably set, and expect others to as well.

• It’s okay to know your limits and to be clear in stating them.
• ‘No’ means ‘no’, whether someone else is saying it, or you are.
• Get 7 hours of sleep a night (research shows it makes a big difference in your quality of life).
• If someone isn't respecting your limits, you have a right, or maybe even a responsibility, to teach them to respect your limits, or to ask them to leave, or to get away from them.

7) Honor your agreements. You can keep an agreement as is, or you can renegotiate it, but don’t change an agreement unilaterally (which includes not telling the other person for any reason, aka ‘flaking out’.)

8) If it feels good, and it doesn’t harm anyone or anything else, do more of it. This is the Universe (aka God) speaking to you through your desires.

9) Be clear about what you want — it’s probably the only way to get it. Remember, thoughts are actions in energy form.

10) You will never know everything (nor will anyone else), so stay humble.

11) When in doubt, see rule #1.