Life on the Plateau

I typically greet friends with the question, 'What's new?" Of course, they tell me, and then ask me the same question.

I am often stumped because, at least on the outside, there is not much new. I've been married to the same man and lived in the same home for more than 10 years now. Nobody's died -- or been born. My business has its ups and downs, but basically, it's the same business. No family or close friends have gotten married lately. A couple of friends are getting a divorce, but that's not mine to discuss. Depending on the week, I have more or less time for hobbies -- and those haven't changed much either. I can't talk about exotic trips I don't take.

Most of my changes take place on the inside -- and I can't share those with many people. And sometimes, there aren't many of those, either.

That's the real plateau -- when nothing much is new, even on the inside.

Often, this is a good thing. We need to catch our breaths from all the change. So much is going on around us, if not to us -- births, deaths, marriages, divorces, jobs ending, jobs and businesses starting, illnesses and recoveries, moves of home and/or workplace. Then there are all the societal and political changes, too many to mention.

Sometimes we even need breaks from internal change. I know that when a client does a big piece of change work with me, that client needs to let it integrate, often for a couple of weeks, before becoming completely comfortable with who (s)he has become.

As a culture, we are fixated on what's new, what's changing, rather than on the deeper truths. Maybe a better question is, "What have you learned lately?" Because learning goes on, even on the plateau. In fact, I suspect that is what the plateau is for -- to help us deepen our learning. If you keep on doing what you're doing, practicing what craft or skills got you to the place you are, learning new things, you'll improve -- and new opportunities will come, and with them, change, starting the cycle again.

[For more on life on the plateau, check out George Leonard's classic,  Mastery -- a wonderful short book on the virtues of practice for its own sake, and loving the plateau.]

A New Type of Gratitude

This blog is called "Change Your Life in 10 Minutes a Day" -- and I found a new technique, a new practice, that really can do that.

It's a truism in the New Age community that the 'attitude of gratitude' helps power the Law of Attraction, which simply says that what you focus on expands. So if you're focusing on what you are grateful for, then you'll get more of that.

The problem with this is that if you are only focusing on things you are grateful for, you tend to sweep the less positive things under the rug. And what you ignore, endures. That is, by not dealing with it, by leaving it there in your psyche, your energy body, it attracts more of itself to you, too.

A couple of months ago, I happened upon Melody Beattie's "Make Miracles in Forty Days". Beattie is famous for her books about co-dependence, which are very clear. This is completely different. In it, she talks about how, by admitting how bad things are, you can start to turn things around.

Her process is very simple. Each day, you spend 10 minutes writing what you are grateful for. The twist is that you are also grateful for seemingly negative events and circumstances, as well as the emotions around them. For example, here is part of what I was grateful for, as I wrote in the first post in my gratitude journal after learning the process (Jan. 29, 2011):

• I am unable to lose weight
• I’ve mostly given up trying to lose weight, because I exercise and I've tried everything (low cal, low fat, low carb), stuck to it, and nothing's worked.
• I dislike my body at this weight

Now it's been more than 40 days, and I've been losing a pound a week for about 8 weeks. Yes, there is a real world mechanism here, which I'd rather not go into, and it is still a sort of miracle. 

More than that, though, is that there is a sort of peace from admitting this stuff, even if only to myself. I'd say the process works. Try it for yourself and see!

Here's the process:

Take 10 minutes every morning (I set a timer) and write the date and then:

"Today I am grateful that:

[Insert the good and bad here. Beattie used bullet points, and within each one could use multiple sentences.]

"Thank you for all that!"

That's it -- that's the whole process.

Obviously, in her book, Beattie elaborates more than this -- and it's still a very short book. It might take an hour and a half to read. Makes great bathroom reading, too, as it doesn't go overly deep.

 

If you try it please let me know what happens.

You may not know your significan other -- or friend -- as well as you think!

According to this research, we think we know our friends better than we do:

Couples sometimes communicate no better than strangers

Dealing with Betrayal

Last week, I found out that someone I thought was a friend neglected to refer me for a consulting gig with another manager at her workplace. It would have been part time for about 12 weeks, and highly lucrative (probably $20,000 or so). Ramona knew I wanted --- and could have used -- the work, and that I am highly qualified. I might not have gotten the gig, but the fact that she didn't refer me -- and didn't even tell me of the gig's existence so I could apply, despite the fact that I had mentioned looking for exactly this sort of opportunity, really feels like a betrayal. A minor betrayal in the larger scheme of things, perhaps, but a betrayal, nonetheless.

To be fair, I had coached Ramona through difficulties with this particular manager in the past, and she probably just didn't want to deal with the fallout from my interaction with him. Still.... she was acting in her own self-interest in a way that showed in how little regard she holds me.

Everything has its positive aspect, though: it got me to reflect on how to deal with a betrayal. Here are a few tips for how to act in the short run:

• Be gracious - Keep your cool as you find out you have been betrayed -- words once said can't be unsaid, and in this day of electronic replication, may be sent far and wide, without context. You may not understand the whole picture at this point. Take the high road. Nothing good ever came of revenge.
• Admit your feelings - Of course, you're angry. You have every right to be -- you were betrayed. Your trust and/or expectations were violated. Anger is normal in this situation, in fact, anger exists to alert you to violations. Talk to a trusted confidante, or write everything out in a journal. If your journal is in your computer, do NOT put it anywhere it could be accidentally sent out in an email. Don't put it online. Again, in this day of electronic replication, what you write (or worse, damning excerpts) may be sent far and wide, without context.
• Know that karma will take care of it - Know that people do get what they deserve -- even if it isn't in this lifetime. This is the concept of karma, a universal balancing out of energies. YOU  are not in charge of karma; the universe (or God, or Source, or whatever term you prefer) is.
• Pay attention to your ROLE (Return on Life Energy) - Does it serve you best to focus on revenge? Or to focus on your own life? There's an old saying that 'living well is the best revenge', so focus on what YOU are choosing to create in your own life. The betrayer may not be part of what you are choosing to create, or at least not in the ways you expected -- and you should thank that person for showing you that. (Hat tip to Susan Bernstein for the concept of ROLE - to hear our discussion about this, click here and listen to the 3/30 show from about 10 minutes in.)
• Ask yourself what you might have done to contribute to the situation - Did you excuse bad behavior in the past? Or willfully ignore what you already knew at some level? Was this a learning experience your soul wanted you to have? 

Here are some questions to help you decide what to do from here:

• Was this a pattern of behavior or a one time thing? A spouse having a years-long affair is quite different from a 'friend' failing to disclose a job opportunity. If there is a pattern of betrayal, getting away is probably your best course of action. If it's happened only once, though, perhaps the betrayer didn't realize what she was doing, or perhaps he was in a situation where there were no good solutions.
  
• Was this maliciously done to you, or were you simply collateral damage? Did the betrayer do this to hurt you intentionally, perhaps out of jealousy? Or was the betrayer just acting in self-interest, without thinking of you? If it was done maliciously, run in the other direction, as fast as you can. If you were the unintentional victim of self-interest, well, you know where you stand going forward. Act accordingly. 
• Has the person apologized? Accepted responsibility? Offered to make amends? And to avoid this behavior in the future? All of these things are necessary to repair a relationship, and they will mostly likely take time and effort.
• How valuable is this relationship to you? Is this someone who used to hang out with because it was convenient, and that was the extent of the relationship? You can let that one go easily. Or was this someone you trusted with your inner life, a close confidant? Or something in between? Are there parts of your relationship you can save?

 So here's what happened with Ramona: I was gracious -  I listened to her tell me what happened (she was at a point where she knew I'd soon find out, and was mature enough to step up at that point and tell the truth). I kept my cool, saying very little as she told me. I do know that she and her colleague will get everything they deserve, good and bad, and so I am moving on. I spent a few painful hours grokking what had happened -- and then I started to write this. That feels much better than wallowing in self-pity and anger. I did also look at what parts of my Self might have created this situation.

Here's how I assess the situation going forward: What happened was a one time thing, and I was collateral damage to her own career aspirations. I know where I stand, and I'm grateful for that clarity. Ramona neither apologized (or maybe I was too upset to hear it), accepted responsibility, offered to make amends nor to avoid this behavior in the future.

I value her talents and insights, as I still believe she values mine. That is definitely the basis for a limited relationship, one where we give each other professional advice. It is probably not the basis for a true friendship, but who knows? Life paths have many twists and turns, and our paths may grow closer in the future.

How to Talk to Yourself so Your Unconcscious Hears You

Last week on my radio show, "Your Life, Your Relationships", I had a caller who was so frustrated with his body and his situation that he wanted to 'break up with himself'. He had reached a place where he was feeling negative about everything in his life and wanted to be more positive. I suggested a particular language intervention for him.

I think I should pass this on to you, along with a few more ways of helping yourself think positively. It does take work to make a practice of using these positive language interventions -- and it is well worth the effort.

What follows is a list of what to do to change our most common ways of thinking negatively into more useful thoughts.

• Avoid the word "not" - The unconscious mind is very literal -- and it believes everything you tell it. Unfortunately,  it is incapable of hearing the word "not". (Don't believe me? Don't think of a purple walrus. What just happened? If you're normal (and don't know the game), you just thought of a purple walrus. Why? Because you have to make a picture of something in order to eliminate it.) Notice I used the word "avoid", rather than saying "Don't use".

• Eliminate the word "but" - When you use the word, "but", you are implying that what came before it is somehow false, or partly false. For example, when you say to a friend, "I like that dress, but the color isn't great on you" implies that you don't really like the dress, because when your friend asks you if you like it, "do you like it on me?" is implied.

          It's much better to use the word "and" - "I like that dress, 

          and the color isn't great on you" sounds very different, doesn't it? 

          Eliminate the word, "however", as well. As my friend, Janet 

          Crawford, says, '"However" is just "but" dressed up in a tuxedo.'

• Avoid the word, "can't" -  When someone uses the words, "I can't", what (s)he usually mean is "I won't". It's not that she can't come to your dinner party, it's that she isn't willing to do whatever is necessary to come. Occasionally, when someone says he can't, he really is disabled, as is the man in the wheel chair who says, "I can't run".

          If you choose not to do something, take responsibility for
          that, and say, "I have other plans" (even if the plans are to stay
          home and watch TV). This implies that the other plans are more

          important for some reason, and that's okay. It's okay to make
          choices -- that's life.

• Avoid the passive voice - "It can't be done" is just a way of avoiding responsibility; what the speaker probably means is either "I can't do it" or "I won't do it". Plus passive voice is boring and confusing for the listener. If you mean, "I'm not willing to do it" -- tell the truth -- say that.

• Avoid the words, "I'll try" - Right now, put your right foot flat on the floor. Now, try to pick it up. Don't pick it up, just try to. This is what Yoda meant when he said, “Do or do not... there is no try.” 

         Make a commitment. Yes, you might fail -- and you are much
         more likely to succeed than if you just "try".

Podcast of yesterday's (3/23) show is up!

To listen online, click here.

To download by RSS feed, click here, and scroll to the bottom of the page for 'Your Life, Your Relationships". You can get iTunes there, or you can click here to go directly to iTunes.

If you subscribe, you'll get all this great information automatically delivered to you!

My guest,  Andrea Adams-Miller, can be reached at www.sexualitytutor.com .

Those gut feelings? WAAAY more important than you think!

You have to read this (it's short)! Your gut influences not only things like your immune system, but perhaps things like your personality and ability to learn.

WHY Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

My friend, Zoe, is a single mom, divorced for over 5 years now, who works in corporate HR. But for most of that time, she hasn't really been single, she's had a 'boyfriend' (that term seems so inappropriate for people in their 40s). She finally realized last summer that this was not a particularly good relationship for her, and so she ended it.

When I had dinner with her about a month ago, she was telling me all about her new, um, crush. Jeff was a very unconventional sort, living in an intentional community, working as an occasional carpenter. He'd sold a software business a while ago, so it seemed as though he might not even need to work. He rode a motorcycle, which was an aphrodisiac for her. The relationship was still in the stage of 'will we or won't we?', both of them having a great time together, but neither willing to say what exactly was going on.

When Zoe won tickets to a rock concert in a radio station contest, it was the perfect excuse to ask him out on a real date. She had the time of her life!

Last Wednesday, right before my radio show, Zoe texted me, "Jeff just pulled the plug -- pray for me".

The metaphor was very apt. I'm sure Zoe felt like she'd been unplugged from an energy source. Why? Because when we have a relationship with someone, we grow energetic cords between our energy bodies. If you've ever felt drained after being with someone, and didn't know why, here's a possible  explanation. If you've ever felt drained after breaking up with someone, this is an explanation. And there are things you can do to manage your own energy.

You can visualize yourself being protected, or fed energy by loving beings, or even imagine cutting those energetic cords.

There are other explanations, too. Evolution has wired our brains for bonding. According to Rutgers University professor Helen Fisher, being in love lights up the same areas of our brain, parts of the dopamine reward system, that are lit up by various chemical addictions. Remove the beloved and your brain acts like that of an addict deprived of its substance of choice, especially cocaine and nicotine.

As reported in Psychology Today, "UCLA psychologist Naomi Eisenberger, who discovered that social rejection activates the same brain area-the anterior cingulate-that generates an adverse reaction to physical pain. Breakups likely stimulate pain to notify us how important social ties are to human survival and to warn us not to sever them lightly.

"Although Eisenberger didn't study romantic rejection, she expects that it actually feels much worse than the social rejection she did document. "If you're getting pain-related activity from someone you don't care about, it would presumably be a lot more painful from someone you share memories with," she points out.

"The intensity of the pain may be what compels some spurned lovers to stalk their ex-partners; they're willing to do just about anything to make the hurt go away. Fisher believes that activation of addictive centers in response to breakups also fuels stalking behavior, explaining "why the beloved is so difficult to give up."

How to Keep It Together So You Can Help

I don't know about you, but I have been unbelievably sad about the tsunami and subsequent nuclear reactor melt-downs. At the same time, though, I know that my sadness, and even the fear that underlies that (What is going to happen to Mother Earth? Is this planet becoming uninhabitable -- by humans? by anyone?) are not helping anyone or anything. There has to be a better way. There has to be something I can do.

So when I asked my guides for help getting me out of my undeniable funk, here is what they said -- and it applies to all of us:

• You are a soul. This soul is eternal and non-physical.
• You volunteered to be here on Earth in a physical body at this most interesting time.
• You volunteered for a number of reasons. Some of these are personal (working out karma, learning soul lessons, etc.) and some of these have to do with the planet. Although a few souls volunteered solely for the planet, no one came solely for personal reasons. This is not possible, as the destiny of an individual is intimately intertwined with the destiny of the species, and the destiny of a species is intimately intertwined with that of its planet. One of the benefits of these world-scale disasters is to wake up those who have been behaving as if they are here only for themselves.
• It is your job to discern what your role is in relation to the species and the planet. Some people have jobs that have to do with leading people, or raising their spirits, or simply comforting them. Others have jobs that have to do with creating change, or even maintaining the status quo. Others' roles are simply to bear witness, both here and on other planes of existence. Yet others are tasked with speaking the truth here on Earth.(I'm sure there are more roles, but these are what I am reminded of now.)
• When you know what your job is, DO IT!
• Do not despair, simply do your job, with your whole heart and the intention to create a better world. Think how your role might fit into the current situation, and apply yourself to that.
• As you do this, you will feel divine energy flowing through you. Channel this energy where you sense it is most needed at that moment.

(Of course, give money. Of course, protest new nuclear power plants, which we are now reminded are unsafe. A very clear, completely sane Japanese friend, living in Japan, tells me she thinks the Japanese government is not telling the whole truth about what has happened.)

Podcast of today's (3/9) show is up!

To listen online, click here.

To download by RSS feed, click here, and scroll to the bottom of the page for 'Your Life, Your Relationships". You can get iTunes there, or you can click here to go directly to iTunes.

If you subscribe, you'll get all this great information automatically delivered to you!

Links from today's show (3/9/11)

Bay Area Nonviolent Communication (Miki Kashtan)

Conflict Hotline

Info on self-compassion, including a test and exercises:

http://www.self-compassion.org/
 

Quit Being So Nice!

My friend, Stacy, is a well-known marketing maven, having had several books published by major publishers. She called me in a complete panic on Saturday morning. Apparently, she had just had the latest in a series of run-ins with a former collaborator, Stan, and couldn't figure out what to do.

Stacy and Stan had written a couple of books together about a decade ago. He began undercutting her right from the beginning -- they agreed that he'd do the East coast promo, and she'd do the West Coast, but of course, he booked a fair amount of the West Coast promo for himself. They had agreed to do the TV shows together, but he just booked shows, and never told her, so of course, he did them alone. After their first couple of successful books, he got a four book contract for himself, without ever mentioning to her that he was even thinking of more books.

In the last few years, Stan's begun one of those seminar businesses where people pay several hundred dollars to be told that they, too, can have his success, if they just buy more courses from him, and from the other people who are selling from his stage. (Of course, he's paid half of everything everyone sells from the stage.) Stan keeps inviting Stacy to be on his stage, but only as part of a panel, or in a very short time slot -- and tells her she can't sell from the stage in that case.

Last weekend, he invited her to be a part of a panel again. It wasn't worth her time to travel to LA for just that, but she figured that if she taught her usual Marketing 101 course on Thursday and Friday, then she could work the panel in on Saturday, and maybe schmooze a little and pull in a few new clients. It happened that Stan's 'seminar' and Stacy's course were held in the same hotel, a hotel they've both used for years.

When Stan found out that Stacy was teaching (all of 9 students) in the same hotel he was preaching his 'seminar' to several hundred, he hit the roof -- and began screaming at her in front of others. (Did he think he owned the hotel?)

Believe it or not, Stacy was worried about how she could fix this! She was worried that she'd offended a 'heavy hitter' in her industry.

As I pointed out, there was nothing much to lose -- he had never helped her, only himself. While she had picked up some clients from networking at his events, she could definitely live without them. And given his explosive nature (this was not the first time he'd blown up over pretty much nothing), why did she want to deal with him at all? Why expose herself to this horrendous treatment?

Stacy felt that way for a number of very common reasons, listed below. Do some of these apply to you, too?

** As a spiritual person, you feel that you must be accepting - Acceptance does not mean being a door mat for other people's bad behavior. Rather, it means accepting that this person is acting however he (or she) is acting, and that you can't change it.

The only choice you have is how to respond. By allowing someone to treat you badly, you are depriving that person of the lessons he needs to learn to grow. So a good way to operate is to have some boundaries, to have the attitude that the person can act however he chooses, and that you will not be present for it. That is, 'do whatever you want -- anywhere but here."

** You feel that if a relationship isn't working out it's your fault, so it's your responsibility to smooth things over - It takes two people, acting with integrity, respect, honor and mutual appreciation, to have a good working relationship.

Own your own part -- are you acting honorably, respecting the other person? And is the other person honoring and respecting you?

If the answer to this second question is 'no', then it is your responsibility to bring it up with the other person, along with clear consequences for not acting honorably and respectfully towards you. If this is not realistic, that is, if the other person is not likely to listen to your point of view, especially if he is in a position of power over you, then your only responsibility is to take care of yourself and get away from the situation.

** You worry about negative consequences of letting a relationship end, especially on a bad note. -- Yes, there can be negative consequences, sometimes serious ones. Most often, though, these are temporary, because when you remove a less than positive relationship from your life, you make room for better relationships. 

 

More than that, every time you allow yourself to be treated badly, you damage your own self-esteem. How can you think well of yourself if you are clearly allowing others to think less of you? Even more, each hit to your self-esteem makes it even harder to extricate yourself from this relationship and others like it. (How do you think battered spouses get that way? It's not all at once, it's a thousand little cuts, each a tiny bit more serious.)

Stacy heard all of this, and decided that the email she had sent explaining the situation was more than enough. She took a deep breath (or three) and decided to let it go -- and enjoy her newly found free time in LA.

Who can you trust?

True confessions time: even with my healthy skepticism, even with all my intuitive abilities, even with my guides (who are a *lot* of help), sometimes I'm not sure if I can trust someone. It's hardest with people who are completely congruent, that is, they totally believe what they are saying --  they aren't lying, they're just wrong.

I do trades with a few people whose abilities & integrity I trust, some for psychic reading types of things, some for more NLP/hypnosis types of things. Some of these are very regular, some are very occasional; some are formal (I do a session for you, then you do a session for me), others are informal, more like conversations where we both bring all of our selves and all of our guides. Some are planned, others are accidental -- I have clairvoyant friends whom I'll call just to chat as friends do, and occasionally those conversations morph into a joint channeling session.

So last week, when I did a trade session with a friend I'll call Patrick, I had every expectation that things would go well. Our sessions are intended to be joint channeling ones, where each of us brings questions, and all of us answer. Patrick is an engineer by trade, with several patents in his name, trained in several spiritual traditions, so he is a smart, hardworking guy. He has only the best of intentions.

But something was really amiss. Patrick said, before we even started, that if I didn't do something (I don't remember what), he couldn't continue working with me. And he said it in a way that implied I'd be losing out if I didn't continue to work with him. That should have set off alarm bells. 

Given that this was a joint session, why did it feel like he was teaching me? And that he was not open to learning from me, at least not much. I had this 'one down' feeling, like he was somehow better than me.

I know from experience that he tends to be in his ego, that is, on a sort of power trip, and that everything is always 'not working out' for him. He's tried many ways to make extra money to solve a perennial financial problem; all of them seem to end with him fighting with someone, or him being 'taken'. Since I haven't looked at most of these situations, I don't know what really happened, but still, it should be a clue that something's off.

The problem is, he 'sees' some things I 'see' -- so I tend to expect that everything he 'sees', even the stuff I don't 'see' -- is right. That's just not true! No psychic is 100% accurate, no channel is 100% clear. Particularly with channeled information, you always have to filter the information through your own BS detector. (This, by the way, is a standard propaganda tactic -- mix the truth with lies, so it becomes more and more difficult to distinguish which is which.) 

More than that, he used his knowledge of my own greatest desires and greatest fears to get me to do what he said his guides told me to do. I'm not sure any of that 'channeled' instruction was true -- even though I believe he believes it.

So, how do I avoid this in the future? How do you? (And I'm not just talking about spiritual teacher here -- the pointers below are just as valid if you are hiring an accountant or a plumber.)

Here's what to watch out for:

• You feel coerced in some way -- The truth doesn't need coercion to succeed (Qaddafi needs guns to stay in power, the protesters, who have the moral right on their side will eventually win in any case).
• Something rings false - Maybe it feels wrong, or sounds wrong, or doesn't jibe with things of which you are sure. Time to check in with yourself.
• You are discouraged from thinking/evaluating for yourself -- By definition, anyone who says, "Trust me, I'm right" is not to be trusted. Sometimes this is simply the person's ego talking, and sometimes it is an intention to disempower you, or cheat you. (This last comes from a friend with whom I shared my story -- she had a much more toxic experience with a 'teacher'.)
• You feel bad about yourself -- Spiritual teachings for developed souls should not make you feel bad about yourself. That is the province of religious teachings (hellfire & brimstone) designed for less developed souls, who need clear lines drawn between right and wrong.

I'm going to take my own advice, and not work with Patrick unless/until I can find a way to do it safely. 

Updated Prayer for the World

After Libya began to get bloody, my guides would no longer join in with me when I did my daily prayer. (I used to her them chime in.) With their help, I have adjusted the prayer so as to minimize the killing. Here is the new version:

"My the hearts and minds of those in power be turned to the good of the Earth and her children, or may they be removed from temporal power quickly and permanently.


"May the Earth and her children rise up in peace and claim their birthright, their divinity, the ability to co-create peace, justice, abundance and freedom for all (including the deposed).


"My only those who have chosen martyrdom be the ones to die or be maimed."

I have to admit that there is a part of me that liked the old, simpler, somewhat stronger version better, but then again, I don't like to see people die unnecessarily.

If you like the prayer, please use it.

Tracy McMillan: Why You're Not Married

Great article -- very honest. And it explains in just a few words why women have to get to know a guy before they have sex:

Tracy McMillan: Why You're Not Married

(Thanks, Kimi, for alerting me to this.)

What do you choose to remember?

I began my daily walks in the late 1990s. Then FaceBook came along, and then I got an iPhone, so now, I can take a photo each day on my walk, and easily post it to FB. (If you'd like to see some, click here.)

Last weekend, my husband and I went to visit friends in Las Vegas -- well, technically N. Las Vegas. N. Las Vegas is a sort of sprawling suburb that was all built in the last building boom (90s? 00's?), the kind where large houses are placed on small lots inside defensive walls (what are they defending against?), with tract names like Hidden Gardens.  If you want to walk very far, you are forced to walk outside the defensive cement block walls on 6 lane boulevards with left turn turn-out lanes. (The photo to the left is what it looked like where I was walking.)

I went on my morning walk each day. You could
see lovely mountains in the distance, but partly because it's the desert and partly because of the walls and boulevards, and partly because the iPhone has no optical zoom, it was difficult to find something I really wanted to share on FB. I did, eventually manage this photo (on the right) by showing a lot of sky. I like it much better -- more peaceful, more beautiful.

And that's when it hit me: We have a choice about what to remember and how to remember it. We can choose to remember the unvarnished truth, up close and personal, or we can choose to remember the best version of an event -- or the worst. Yes, the large stretches of asphalt and the cement block walls are there, along with the power lines and street lights -- and we can choose to focus on the snow-covered mountains instead. (Or as our host said of my photos of The Strip, "You make it look so much better than it actually is.")

When you think back over your life, what are you choosing to remember? Are you choosing to remember every time you messed up, or every time you succeeded -- or both? Are you choosing to remember every time you were slighted, or every compliment paid to you, every kindness done to you? Or both? How do you hold the 'negatives': as a victim, or as things you can learn from? It's all your choice -- and one set of choices will make you happier than another. (BTW, it's possible to shift these memories -- if you'd like help, call me at 888-4-hollis.)

"Your Life, Your Relationships" from 2/16 is up on the web

For iTunes link and RSS feed, click here and scroll to the bottom of the page, then click on the link.

To listen and download directly from www.ProgressiveRadioNetwork.com, click here.

Info from "Your LIfe, Your Relationships" 2/16

Lee  Glickstein has published lots of tools to help you be more authentic and comfortable in front of an audience at www.speakingcricles.com .

You can reach Lee directly by emailing him at

lee@speakingcircles.com

How a Relationship Starts Predicts How It will Continue

Last week, my radio show guest (who helps me fill 20 minutes, so I'm not doing an entire hour all alone) was a no-show. Yeah, I was annoyed, partly at the guest, but partly at myself. I should have known better.

Every time I called the guest, it took 4 or 5 days for him to return my call. I actually gave up on having him on the show. But each time, he apologized for taking so long to get back to me. Anyway, I wanted someone who would cover his subject matter, non-violent communication, so I overlooked this issue.

On Monday, I sent him all the info I send everyone before the show, things like what they need to send me (a bio, e.g.) and when and how to call in. I know he got it, because he answered my questions by email (and I have copies of the emails). I got all that yesterday, and sent him an email reiterating the time and phone number. I don't typically remind people to call -- if they are professional enough to have done things that are worth talking about on my show, they should be professional enough to keep a calendar and use it. This has never been a problem before (and I did a weekly show with interviews for 3 years).

And what do you know? The guy who couldn't return my calls promptly didn't call in for his interview. Maybe there was some mix-up on his end, I don't know. But the relationship started off with him returning calls late -- and ended (at least for now) with him not showing up to an on-air phone appointment.

It reminds me of my first post-college job. I interviewed on campus with Arthur Andersen in November of my senior year at Princeton, and was thrilled when I got an interview at their offices in New York. I expected that at the end of the interview day, either I'd be offered a job, and feel great, or not be offered one and feel terrible.

That's not what happened. I had about 6 interviews -- and really enjoyed them. At the end of the day, they offered me a job. Then they leaned on me so hard to take it right then, which I refused to do, that I felt terrible. Job offer -- feel terrible. What's wrong with this picture?

In the end, I took the job. Big mistake! I was treated horribly for 2 years, as was everyone else with whom I worked.

The lesson: Be very aware of how you are treated at the beginning of the relationship, when the other party wants something from you, like PR or your body. If it's not good at that point, it isn't going to get better, when they have what they want. 

PS - The guest did email me the next morning to apologize. There was no good reason -- he just was working and... forgot! I accepted his apology, and I'm no longer upset, but I'm looking for someone else to talk about Non-Violent Communication on the show.  

Link from today's show (2/9/11)

This is a great book, with different ways brains can malfunction, questionnaires to tell if you are likely to have each of the malfunctions he describes, and simple interventions, like diet changes, for many of them.

Evidence for Homeopathy

The number of dis-eases for which homeopathy has been shown to work (studies published in peer-reviewed journals) is truly surprising, especially for Americans (homeopathy has been much more widely accepted in Europe than in the US).

Another Nobel prize winner, Brian Josephson, PH.D., professor emeritus at Cambridge University, described "how many scientists today suffer from "pathological disbelief;" that is, they maintain an unscientific attitude that is embodied by the statement "even if it were true I wouldn't believe it."

Dana Ullman: Luc Montagnier, Nobel Prize Winner, Takes Homeopathy Seriously

On a side note, it is sad that this groundbreaking research is being done in China, not the US.

How do you know what to do?

How do you know what to do? What the right course of action is?

Sometimes your body gives you clues. Here's what I mean:

My friend, Jenni, like so many people, is unemployed, and has been for over a year. She's managing by moving in with her elderly parents, and helping to take care of them while she looks for work.

One thing that buoys her spirits is the spiritual course/community she joined for the year. It meets weekly, is reasonably priced, and has helped her maintain a positive attitude. As part of the course, she was required to attend a retreat weekend, to which she readily agreed, though she didn't know how much it would cost. It turned out to cost $275, which, she said, was more than she'd spent on anything in over a year. She was committed, as it was part of the curriculum, and because she'd given her word, which she takes very seriously. She had an immediate visceral reaction, literally feeling sick to her stomach -- and that reaction recurred every time she thought about the retreat. She also found it hard to eat.

Finally, she couldn't stand the feeling any more, and got up the courage to explain her situation to the group leader. Of course the leader was sympathetic, and asked her what she could afford. She told him $125, to which he readily agreed. While that was still more than she'd spent on anything in the last year, she felt the money was well worth spending. And her digestive distress went away completely!

Here's another example:

I ask people I talk to casually to call my radio show if they have any relationship questions, because I do need callers, ideally about 5 per show -- hint, hint. (Oddly, though, the people who have called in are not the people I've asked.) So I asked Ben, whom I met at a party a few weeks ago to call in. He agreed to call that same week, and I was thrilled.

A few hours before the show began, he called to ask if it was okay if he didn't call in to the show, saying he was under pressure at work.His call surprised me --  I'd forgotten that he'd agreed, and anyway, if I had a dime for each time someone said they'd call and didn't, well, let's just say I wouldn't still be doing client sessions. Of course, I said it was fine if he didn't call.

Here's what he told me later: "I felt so much better after you let me off the hook, it was amazing! I had
walked down to my PO Box, and my head was pounding. My blood pressure has been going up and I'm sure this was a new record. The world looked dark. 

"When I make a commitment to someone, it's cast in stone, but I decided I should at least find out what my commitment meant to you, so I called. When you said it was fine if i didn't call the show, the day literally got brighter -- it was a beautiful day and I had not known that.

"Oh, and my head stopped pounding."

So here's the take-away: At a deep level, you know what you need. And since mind/body are one system, your body knows what's best. If you don't yet have a well-developed intuition, you can begin by listening to your body -- it will guide you to do what you need to generate positive results. 

On BlogTalk Radio in a few minutes

I'm a guest of Vanessa Scotto's Map2Self, whose show is all about empowering women. We'll be talking about developing your intuition. You can listen online or download later.

DNA molecules can 'teleport', Nobel Prize winner claims - Techworld.com

Reminds me a little of homeopathy...

DNA molecules can 'teleport', Nobel Prize winner claims - Techworld.com

curiouser and curioser...

Why are you doing this REALLY?

Sometimes there is a higher purpose behind what you do, and it's important to always keep an eye on that. Here's what I mean:

Jini is a single mom of two, living in Marin County, north of San Francisco. She makes a bare bones living as a therapist, and on the side, she fixes houses to sell, which supplements her income. She does a house every few years -- after all, it's not her main work, and she has a teenager and a pre-teen to raise.

She sold a house about a year ago, made some money, moved herself and the kids into a comfortable 3 bedroom rental until she could find another fixer. That took about 6 months, and then it took a few months to negotiate the agreement (short sale, the bank dragged its feet) and close.

The house, originally a vacation cottage, is tiny (2 small bedrooms and 1 bath) and so old that it doesn't have central heat, not to mention insulation. It's also missing many of the comforts she's used to, like closets, a dishwasher and two full baths.

She immediately knew what to do with this house -- besides the obvious heat and insulation, it needed an addition to function well -- a master bedroom with its own bath, which could sit over the newly enlarged kitchen/family room. She figured she could pay a contractor to do the major construction while she lived in the rental, then move in and do the interior finish and other renovations while living in the house, which, while unpleasant and inconvenient, would save paying rent and carrying costs on the house simultaneously, which she could ill afford.

She didn't count on the fact that in the hills of Marin, your neighbors can stop an addition if they don't like it. They may actually prefer something falling down ("character") to something a little bigger and newer. And of course, this is what happened. ONE neighbor decided that, after asking Jini for all sort of (expensive) concessions on size and siting and materials, to which she reluctantly agreed, he still wasn't satisfied. He filed an 11th hour complaint at the planning board, which torpedoed her approvals. Thus a drawn out fight at the planning board loomed ahead.

Even worse, she was going to have to move into the tiny house with the 'evil' (her word) neighbor. She envisioned this as literally moving into the lions's den, with danger all around -- constantly. She dreaded moving into this house. Her dread was so intense that she'd barely begun packing, despite the fact that she was scheduled to move in three days.

As we talked, I pointed out that she probably wouldn't see her neighbor all that much. Even if they were going in and out of their houses at the same time, which probably wouldn't happen very often, their driveways were situated so that they couldn't actually see each other. And there was only the one 'evil' neighbor. Others were pretty cooperative.

As I 'looked at' the situation for Jini, I saw her having a big housewarming party -- to which she could invite ALL the neighbors, as well as her friends and family. It looked to me like this would not only create community in her new location but also like this would eventually create some sort of healing both for her and the neighbor who'd objected to the addition. It looked like there were many spiritual lessons in the situation -- for her, her kids and her neighbor.

Jini agreed with my assessment, and because she saw the spiritual purpose behind moving into the lions' den, she began to see the possibilities. She could use the garage to store all the things that wouldn't fit in the tiny house. She could use some rugs that wouldn't fit on the floors as insulation by tacking them up on the insides of the exterior walls. She could buy some freestanding wardrobes to replace the missing closets. She could make friends with enough neighbors that eventually she'd find a way to the obstructionist neighbor's heart.

And with renewed energy, she began packing.

'Your LIfe, Your Realtionships' (1/26) is up on iTunes and RSS Feed

If you like the show, please subscribe using your chosen service! Then send me emails with questions, or call me on air Wednesdays, 6 - 7PM EST. 

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Are All Meditations the Same?

Fascinating look at how different types of meditation affect the brain, both during and after meditation:

Are All Meditations the Same?
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Links from today's show (1/26/11)

More info on Kimi Avary

What Can You REALLY Change?

Last week, one of the callers to my radio show (listen to the podcast here or here) talked about dealing with a mother-in law (who is mentally ill), who, frankly, lies about what's going on in her life, what people have said and done to her. The mother-in-law then requests certain treatment based on these falsehoods.

That's one of life's icky situations, the kind for which there is no good answer. Maybe there are some less bad answers, but certainly no good ones. Thinking about it, there are really three options here, and we'll take each of these in turn:

1. Leave the situation
2. Change the situation
3. Change yourself

 1) Leave the situation - Taking everything into consideration, is putting up with the situation worse than leaving? I don't know the caller's situation, but maybe she has a happy marriage, and her mother-in-law is the one fly in the ointment. Or maybe she has young children with her husband, and mostly, things are okay. In these cases, leaving makes no sense. (I'm guessing this is the worst thing going on in her life, because you don't call a radio show about #10 on your list of problems.)

2) Change the situation - You can't change someone else's mental illness.So that's out.

3) Change yourself - You are always in charge of your own actions and reactions. That's the ticket! You can pinpoint specifically what makes the situation hard for you, or exactly what triggers your emotional reactions, and then work with that. There are a million ways to work with your own emotional landscape, from affirmations to keep you pointed in the right direction to hypnotic processes to reshape internal paths away from the quicksands of childhood imprints to anchors to keep you focused in present reality rather than getting sucked into the past.

You may know a few of these tools -- you just have to remember to use them! And if you don't have tools that work for you, call me at 888-4-hollis (888-446-5547)! I can help.

Podcast of my first radio show is up on ITunes!! It's FREE

Really simple to download, just click on the link & click on download. I'd love it if you'd subscribe! (And rate 5 stars if you like it!)

Your Life, Your Relationships - Download free podcast episodes by Hollis Polk on iTunes.

Podcast of my first radio show on PRN is up!

You can listen online or download to your computer! Let me know what you think! Click on the title of this post to go through to podcast (not obvious, I know).

Gifts of Age

Older people display better ability to perceive others emotions and appear to be more empathetic:

PsycNET - Display Record

Okay, it's not surprising, but it is nice to have some evidence.

Does this happen to you?

or Bad Hypnosis

Last Friday, I had to go to the HMO for my annual checkup -- no big deal, I'm pretty healthy. However, the doctor looked at my electronic records and said, "You know, you haven't had a tetanus shot in more than 10 years, and you probably ought to." It comes with whooping cough and diptheria, and we're having a whooping cough outbreak here in CA, so you know they're pushing the vaccine as a method of outbreak control, which is cost control for them.

I'm not one for the new-fangled so-called flu vaccines, but I remembered being given this particular vaccine a couple of times as a kid and agreed. So I got sent down the hall to the injection lady.

The injection lady, trying to make this seem not so bad, said "It's going to feel like you went bowling after not going bowling for a long time."

"What?"

"Well, your arm's going to be sore and heavy for a couple of days. It's important to move it around, even if you don't feel like it."

I don't know if it's state or Federal policy, or if it's just this HMO, but they actually give you a sheet with all the side effects, and make you sign an informed consent statement. So I read the sheet before I signed the statement and discovered that yes, the most common side effect is a mildly sore arm -- 2 in 3 people, in fact. But that means that 1 in 3 people don't have it.

I couldn't help myself -- I gave her a brief lecture on bad hypnosis. When people come into a medical setting, they're probably nervous, and that means they are extra suggestible. So her little lecture was helping to create the bad side effect. I explained this and said, "You could say that this is the most common side effect, but you could be one of the people who don't have it."

She replied, "Oh, yeah, when I had the shot, I really wasn't sore at all, except when I slept on that arm. I had to turn over and sleep on my other side, and then it was fine."

Eureka! SHE didn't have the reaction, so she could share that fact. 

Watch what you are suggesting, people! We are all in and out of hypnotic trances all the time. In trance, the words you hear bypass all but your most critical faculties. ('Hypnotic trance' just means that our brain waves, at least in part of our brains, are running at a lowered frequency to common beta waves, which are 12 - 15 cycles per second).

That means that when you are talking to someone, you may well be making a hypnotic suggestion. It's just that most of us don't know we're doing it, and we're not trained, so we do it badly. We make all sorts of negative suggestions and commands all the time. The idea is to state things in the positive. (More on this below.)

And listen for all the negative suggestions out there. Medical ads are great for this -- they're suggesting you have some made up syndrome so they can sell you something to fix it. I have a friend who calls them 'symptom installations', instead of ads.

The conscious mind does not hear the word "not". Quick, try not to think of a purple elephant!

What just happened? If you're like most people, you thought immediately of a purple elephant. Why? Because you have to make a picture of a purple elephant in your mind in order to erase it.

So when you say "Don't do that!", we all hear, "Do that!" Which brings me to one of my pet peeves, nicely illustrated by this sign:

"Don't forget to vote" is tantamount to saying "Please forget to vote". A much better solution is to say, "Please remember to vote."

Please remember to listen to my new radio show on Wednesday at 6PM EST, 3 PM PST on www.ProgressiveRadioNetwork.com ! (Set an alarm or a computer reminder -- these work even better than memories.)

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New Meditation Research: Putting the 'Om' in 'Chromosome'

Have a seat... you may end up living longer:

Wray Herbert: New Meditation Research: Putting the 'Om' in 'Chromosome'

Do you deserve this?

I've lately had several conversations with clients who had issues around deserving:

• One, a compulsive eater, recognized that when she looks at a dessert tray, she says to herself, "I deserve this". (What does deserving have to do with food in a society where you are not rationing?)
• Another, having found an amazing deal on a vacation home -- so good, in fact, that he only has to rent it a couple of months a year for it to pay for itself -- wakes up in a cold sweat at night because he feels he doesn't deserve it.
• A third, on the brink of being able to save her home from foreclosure, after literally years of work, is not sure she deserves even that.

Think of 'deserve' as 'de-serve'. According to Webster's Dictionary, the Latin prefix, 'de', signifies "separation, cessation,... or contraction" of serving. This became the French, "de', which has the connotation of 'away from', as in, away from service.  It does not serve you to think in these terms.

Deserving something implies that you are worthy of, or entitled to, it, which implies

• you know what things are worth
• life is fair
• you know what's fair, or maybe
• you decide what's fair. Who made you, and you alone, God?

Let's take each of these in turn:

You know what things are worth -  Yes, a can opener is a dollar at the dollar store. But how do you know whether your being is worth a vacation home?

Life is fair - Nothing could be further from the truth. Life is not fair, at least not from the standpoint of only one lifetime. If it were, wouldn't everyone have equal opportunities and gifts? Would murderers ever get off scott-free for their transgressions (think O.J. Simpson here, at the risk of offending people** )? We all know that's not true.

You know what's fair - Even if life were fair, given the complex web of life, how would you know what was fair? How would you know that the person who just screwed you over in a business deal didn't do it to raise money for an uninsured child who needed a kidney transplant? Did you deserve to be screwed over then? Does the child deserve the transplant?

You decide what's fair - Given that we are all in this together, in this complex web of life, how do you, and you alone, get to decide what is fair and then 'make it so'? Do you have the omniscience to decide that? If you have that omniscience, doesn't everyone else? Don't they have the right to decide what is fair -- for you?

Let go of the idea of deserving something, being worthy of something, and instead notice what you are choosing -- and be grateful when what you choose manifests.


** I actually think the not-guilty verdict was right, not because Simpson wasn't guilty, but because the LAPD did such a horrible job of making the case.

Why I Do What I Do OR A Letter Every Healer Should Read

Bill Keller was a famous programmer, and a grad student at Princeton. (I guess that's why the story caught my eye, the Princeton Engineering connection.) He committed suicide earlier this week, due to the lingering effects of childhood sexual abuse.

He left a suicide note that affected me deeply. I never met Bill Keller, though I wish I had. I don't know if I could have helped him, but I wish I'd at least had the opportunity. If I have ever, or will ever, stop this needless pain, needless death, even once in my life, then that alone would justify my existence.

Keller writes very clearly and articulately about his predicament -- and why he never chose to talk to anyone about it. It is a pretty good indictment of the medical establishment, as well as fundamentalist Christianity. Every healer should read this note, because this is what your clients are probably not saying to you. It is a clear window into a very troubled soul, and it is good to see the world through your client's eyes.

Warning for non-healers: It is very disturbing, not for the faint of heart.

http://documents.from.bz/note.txt

Dr. Douglas Fields: Rudeness Is a Neurotoxin

Some really interesting info here, including the facts that verbal abuse is more damaging to kids in the long run than physical abuse, and that peer verbal abuse is most damaging in the middle school years because that is when the corpus callosum, the bridge between the right and let brain hemispheres, develops.

Dr. Douglas Fields: Rudeness Is a Neurotoxin

Big News! Ask any question you want -- FREE!

Is someone driving you crazy? 

Do you have 

• a cheating boyfriend — or girlfriend?  
• An ex you can’t let go of? 
• An obnoxious boss -- or co-worker? 
• Adult kids who won’t listen? 

Do you feel too much of others' pain? 

Are you taking on others' problems -- and hurting yourself by doing it?
 
Get help with these issues and more from my new radio show, 

Your Life, Your Relationships,
Wednesdays at 6PM Eastern time, 3PM Pacific on 
www.ProgressiveRadioNetwork.com

You'll get practical solutions (including energy level ones) for all sorts of relationship problems. There are many kinds of relationships: romance, marriage, parent/child, other family, work -- and even relationships with non-physical beings, like your higher self and angels -- and I'll tackle them all.

Listen online by going to www.ProgressiveRadioNetwork.com and clicking on ((ON AIR NOW))

Listen anywhere! Use your a browser on your smartphone to go to www.ProgressiveRadioNetwork.com and then click on the image of the iPhone on the right hand side of the home page. You can even bookmark it in the browser as a favorite.

Call with questions at 888-874-4888. You can also email me your questions in advance, and I'll answer them on the air. Of course, since you won't be there to interact with, I'll feel free to hallucinate the details of your relationship. :)

You'll also hear the latest in psychological research, especially neuropsychology (how we're wired), and intuition and mediation research. You'll also get info from experts who can help you with your issues. YOU can help shape this show, by calling and listening and emailing -- I want to know what you want, so I can provide more of it.  

If you can't listen live, you can download the podcasts at www.ProgressiveRadioNetwork.com.

The Truth Wears Off

Wow! Very thought-provoking article about the relationship of science and the truth:

"Just because an idea is true doesn’t mean it can be proved. And just because an idea can be proved doesn’t mean it’s true. When the experiments are done, we still have to choose what to believe."

Long, but worth the time.

Read more http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2010/12/13/101213fa_fact_lehrer#ixzz1A4b22sGW

The Truth Wears Off

NY: Land of the Human

What no one tells you about NY is that there is no way to escape the reality of other people.

The thing about living in California, or probably any suburb, exurb or rural area in the US, is that you can avoid other people, except those you choose to let into your life. Most of them just float by, hermetically sealed into cars, and so you never have to acknowledge that they are, in fact, human. Or you float by, hermetically sealed into your car, so fast that you can pretend there are no humans in other cars or buildings. You may zoom past the occasional pedestrian, but it happens in such a blur that they seem more like mannequins than people.

But in Manhattan, you are literally elbow to elbow with other human beings the minute you step out your front door. Sixty or so human beings are on that subway car with you, and another few thousand at the museum, not to mention the hundreds you pass as you walk. Behind every lighted window, behind every shop door, there are human beings with hopes, dreams, fears, neuroses, friends, skills, talents, ambitions, proclivities -- each human a universe unto herself.

It makes me very curious -- and a bit overwhelmed.

I WIsh You a Merry Solstice!

I wish you a Merry Solstice

I wish you a Merry Solstice

I wish you a Merry Solstice

and a Happy New Year!

(sung to the tune of 'I Wish You a Merry Christmas')

Our winter solstice traditions come from the millenia before we had electricity, which is to say, before there was electric light, let alone radio, television, or the internet, and before there was central heating. That meant that in the darkest, coldest time of the year, about all there was to do in the long winter nights (and if you live in the far north, night goes on for weeks) was gather around the fire, talk, sing, eat, drink and have sex. So all our traditions come from that -- candles on a tree for more light, carols and stories to entertain us and the kids, good food and drink, mistletoe. 

Enjoy your solstice tonight!

A Baker's Dozen of Tips for Pushing Stress Away at the Holidays

A few years ago, I was privileged to be part of a conversation of wise women about how to manage the holidays so that you can actually enjoy them. It turned out that there were common themes -- that we'd all gradually discovered the same things. Here they are:

1)    Know what’s important to you about the holidays -- For one friend, it's the spiritual aspect of this season, so that she can constantly remind herself of it and put the rest into perspective. For another, it's simply time with the family, to enjoy each other, so that they have happy memories. Be clear about what’s important to you and build traditions around what you value.

 2)    Find opportunities to serve other families and help other people -- Research shows this will increase your happiness, as well as others. I know one family who adopts a family to help each year. Their children are a part of this too, and they say it adds meaning to their celebration of the holidays.

3)    Keep it simple  -- One acquaintance says, "When our children were growing up, Our tradition was to give each of our children 1 new outfit of clothes, 1 book and 1 toy for Christmas. Now that our children have their own families they tell us that they now understand and appreciate their own childhood traditions even more."

4)    Make a list and stick to it  -- Do what you say you’ll do and don’t be tempted to do more than you’ve agreed to.

5)    Keep a binder of resources in one spot -- The binder could include a gift list, recipes, task list, projects, mailing list for holiday cards, directions for making decorations, locations of stored items.  It also helps to keep special things you use for the holidays in one place (e.g. linens, pans, decorations).

6)    Plan ahead – Do as much as you can during the days before your celebration. Only do what absolutely has to be done at the last minute on the day of the celebration. Having a written plan is essential. 

 7)    Do what works -- There’s no need to reinvent what you do every year for the holidays. If something you’ve done before has worked (e.g. a recipe, a seating arrangement, decorations) keep doing it. Include what works in your written plan. Having components of your celebration that you repeat becomes a part of the tradition and people look forward to traditions and annual “rituals”.

8)    Delegate wherever possible -- As the old saying goes, “many hands make light work.” Everyone wants to help and be a part of the celebration, even small children. Other people have talents and skills that you don’t. You really can't do it all -- at least not if you want to be healthy, sane and have some fun yourself! If you need babysitting so you can shop, ask for that. If you need help moving furniture, ask for that. One particular case of this is:

 9) Have others bring food -- Even if you’re not hosting a potluck, others enjoy contributing food to a holiday celebration. They feel more a part of the celebration if they've contributed -- and food is a particularly primal way to contribute.

10)  No One Cares What Your House Looks Like  -– Who is looking at whether the floor has been vacuumed? No one -- they're too busy with each other and the food and presents. Would you even want to hang around anyone to whom a clean floor is more important than the celebration? Again, an old saying works here: “The people that matter don’t mind and the people that mind don’t matter.”

11) Get support -- take care of yourself. Do something to feel supported, whether that's a massage or just time alone.

12) Set Good Boundaries -- What anyone thinks of you is none of your business. Stay away from people and places that stress you.

13)    Breathe -- Remember to breathe. Breathing brings you back into alignment.

The cancer in your soul

Every now and then I read something that says what needs to be said in such a clear and elegant way that I wish I'd written it myself. This is one such piece:

The cancer in your soul | The Intention Experiment

Relatives for the holidays? Here's help!

We all know that being with our families, especially if we're going to our childhood home, or if we're going to be on 'their' turf, can bring up old feelings, old ways of being, that we've outgrown. We feel uncomfortable, or even miserable. We begin to wonder what's wrong with ourselves, and why we aren't acting like the person we know we've become.

You know, you go home, and your mother makes a comment about your clothes, and all of a sudden, you're 15 again, and resentful. Or your uncle is drinking again, and everyone rushes into their old enabling ways -- and you now see them for what they are.

And maybe you blame it on them.  Remember -- all relationships are two way streets. As the old saying goes, it takes two to tango.

Here's what you need to know to cope:

• It's not about the present, it's about the past -- Because you have such a long history between you, you automatically fall into old patterns. These have been hardwired into your brain through long practice. 

Research shows that anything you do regularly creates neural pathways in your brain, and then you automatically run down those paths. A good analogy is lots of people walking between the same two buildings across a grassy field will literally create a dirt pathway, which new people then follow. 

Don't beat yourself up about this, just notice it and consciously choose a new path. This is work -- go easy on yourself.

• They're not evil, they're just being who they are - If you've changed, and maybe even if you've just gotten some distance and some new reference points, you'll see dysfunction in things that just used to be normal. 

Judgment is singularly unhelpful here -- acceptance is a much better choice, even if you choose to set some boundaries for yourself around the dysfunction. At one point in my life, I decided that when I didn't want to hear an elderly relative's racist comments, I would just get up and leave the room, as quietly and unobtrusively as I could. There was no point in trying to change her, and no point in hanging around and feeling angrier and angrier. BTW, going to the bathroom is a useful 'excuse' in this situation. (PS - no one ever noticed.)

• They expect you to be who you used to be - Why wouldn't they? They haven't been with you when you've had transformative experiences -- and unless you're extraordinarily close, you probably didn't mention them over the phone, either. 

My mother still thinks my favorite cheese is Jarlsberg, even though I've discovered I'm mildly allergic to cow's milk, so my new fave is Manchego, a sheep's milk cheese. Yes, I've mentioned it, but why would she remember? I'm gracious, as I thank her for trying to remember my preferences, as I remind her -- and then I eat a sliver, because I do still like it.  

• You expect them to be who they used to be - This is the same thing - you may be surprised to find out your relatives have, in fact, changed. You could make a game of noticing - or asking - what their biggest discoveries have been since you've seen them last. In that spirit of rediscovery, you might find it easier to change the old annoying ways of relating. 

Armed with  these tactics -- have fun! Something new may await you.

The impressionyou manage appears to be your own!

We all know that when we try to stage manage ourselves, to appear in a certain way ("I'm confident", "I really know what I'm doing"), things feel a little weird. Here's evidence that your own perceptions change when you try to manage those of others:

BPS Research Digest: Trying to create an impression can alter your perception of others

Are some people more likely to get SAD -- just because of when they're born?

Season of birth may have long-term effects on personality, study suggests

Think of the Devil...

Most people know to call me on my land lines, not my cell phone, so my cell phone doesn't ring much. 

Last night, I was at a lecture where Marilyn Schlitz, the head of the Institute of Noetic Sciences, was speaking about their project on worldviews, based on her book, Living Deeply , and taking that into the schools. I thought strongly of a friend of mine, who is a middle school teacher in inner city LA, because I knew it was just up her alley. We were really good friends in college, but we don't talk all that much now -- we're both busy with work, family, etc. We hadn't spoken, in fact, since August. I actually wished she were there with me, listening to the lecture, so she could get fired up about it. 

During the lecture, my cell phone rang -- my friend in LA!

As I explained to her, telepathy needs two participants -- a sender and a receiver. I'm a powerful sender, and I guess she's a pretty good receiver. 

I really want to hear from you -- does this happen to you? When? Why? How?

PS - The title of this comes from the old expression, "Speak of the devil and he appears." I am in no way calling my friend the devil.

Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

I got this because I love her stand-up comedy, enjoy 'My Life on the D-List', and figured it would be good light reading. And it is -- it's fun, although you can skip the first three chapters, which were so boring I almost quit reading. (Sorry, Kathy -- and I know you're reading this, because you google yourself obsessively every day.)

The reason I'm writing about it here, though, is because there's a deeper message. Kathy describes very bluntly and clearly how show business works, and how deeply and completely committed you have to be to succeed, even when you're talented. She had plastic surgery to succeed (as did Lisa Kudrow, apparently). She reinvented herself many times. She paid for her own billboard in Hollywood in her campaign to win an Emmy. The list goes on from there.

This would be a great book to give a star struck teenager (Kathy's pretty blunt, it's definitely PG-13) so the teen knows what show biz is really like, and can decide if it's really for him/her.

But you should read it, too -- you'll find yourself laughing, and really liking Steve Wozniak.

Ignore at Your Own Peril

I reached a major milestone last Thursday, at least major for me -- I've now completed everything I need to do to be really on top of things, so I can move forward to new projects. I have renewed my CA real estate broker's license, cleaned out my files, reorganized them and shredded what had to be shredded, caught up on the bookkeeping, cleaned out the garage, overseen a few large real estate maintenance projects, dealt with the death of a beloved cat, and the exit from our home of my stepson. All of this, of course, on top of my usual reading/coaching sessions, and responsibilities to my business and our home. It feels great! :)

So when I finished my client work that day, I wanted to celebrate by -- okay, I know this doesn't sound like a celebration, but for me, on a weekday, it is -- going grocery shopping. Grocery shopping sounded like heaven! I could stop in at Trader Joe's and have a snack before I bought the 3 items I needed. I could wander around Costco and window shop before I bought my groceries. I could take my time, because there was nothing I really had to do.

But my sense of duty to my business said, "No, you have to send out your ezine. The main article is written, it will just take a few minutes to do the format changes to send it out, get it out."

So of course, iContact lost the work I'd already done, and refused to accept changes when I tried to start over. I spent an hour and half on the phone with a techie at iContact, who couldn't help me, and in the end just filed a bug ticket. (I'm doing someone else's QA again!) So there went 2 hours -- with less to show for it than before I began.

I should have just gone shopping!!

Many years ago, someone (wish I could remember whom) said, "Sometimes God speaks to us through our desires." Or maybe it's our guides or angels. Whatever. I should have listened to them last Thursday.

What did I learn? Ignore your guides' advice at your own peril.

Give the Gift of Clarity & Get Something for You, too!

Do you have a friend, or a family member, who is having a hard time in a relationship, or a business? Who just can't sort out which path to follow? Who can't decide whether to stay or go? Who can't see the forest for the trees?

This holiday season, rather than giving a quilted frog, or a book your friend might or might not read, give them what they really want -- clarity! One session with me will often help someone make huge changes. Here's what my clients say (posted on LinkedIn):

• “After my very first session with Hollis, I felt vibrant and vibrating, as if I could power the lights of an entire city. Through her amazing insight and remarkable accuracy, I achieved a sense of calm and purpose, as well as usable tools. I was able to feel the results of our session immediately, and in fact, the tools came in handy that very evening. Much gratitude and looking forward to our continued work.” Sharon King, Real Estate Agent
• “An hour with Hollis gave me the equivalent of two years of psychotherapy. Her insights are outstanding. I would not hesitate to give her my highest recommendation.” Ethan Hay, Educator
• “I was facing a tricky career situation before I contacted Hollis. This situation left me with great uncertainty and worry. But after only one session with Hollis, she provided me with much greater clarity and understanding of where my direction should be. I noticed an almost immediately increase in self-confidence and have been able to forcefully move in this my direction. Hollis helped me visualize my current state, and then gave me some exercises to help me continue to move in my new direction. I had never had a reading before and was a bit skeptical. But, Hollis took away all that skepticism and replaced it with confidence....and a new direction.” Jay Lipe, Marketing Consultant & Business School Lecturer
• “In less than an hour, Hollis helped me access and easily let go of my biggest unworkable habit, the need for approval. Since then, I've felt confidence and peace. I no longer have the need to please authority figures or certain other people. Letting go of that has made a huge impact! I can now speak up for myself, for what I want. I really appreciate the session we did, and am looking forward to more. I highly recommend Hollis Polk as a coach to get past blocks to success, joy and a better life. Great job!  Patricia Ogilvie, Web Marketer/Coach

To make this a bit easier, I am offering an holiday only special of 20% off for sessions of an hour or more paid for by Dec. 25, 2012. And along with this, I'll offer you this same 20% off for your next session of any length, completed by Feb. 28, 2013. Call me at 888-4-hollis (888-446-5547) to set this up, or send me an email at hollis@888-4-hollis.com.

(This offer is not to be combined with other programs, offers or discounts.)