A Baker's Dozen of Tips for Pushing Stress Away at the Holidays

A few years ago, I was privileged to be part of a conversation of wise women about how to manage the holidays so that you can actually enjoy them. It turned out that there were common themes -- that we'd all gradually discovered the same things. Here they are:

1)    Know what’s important to you about the holidays -- For one friend, it's the spiritual aspect of this season, so that she can constantly remind herself of it and put the rest into perspective. For another, it's simply time with the family, to enjoy each other, so that they have happy memories. Be clear about what’s important to you and build traditions around what you value.

 2)    Find opportunities to serve other families and help other people -- Research shows this will increase your happiness, as well as others. I know one family who adopts a family to help each year. Their children are a part of this too, and they say it adds meaning to their celebration of the holidays.

3)    Keep it simple  -- One acquaintance says, "When our children were growing up, Our tradition was to give each of our children 1 new outfit of clothes, 1 book and 1 toy for Christmas. Now that our children have their own families they tell us that they now understand and appreciate their own childhood traditions even more."

4)    Make a list and stick to it  -- Do what you say you’ll do and don’t be tempted to do more than you’ve agreed to.

5)    Keep a binder of resources in one spot -- The binder could include a gift list, recipes, task list, projects, mailing list for holiday cards, directions for making decorations, locations of stored items.  It also helps to keep special things you use for the holidays in one place (e.g. linens, pans, decorations).

6)    Plan ahead – Do as much as you can during the days before your celebration. Only do what absolutely has to be done at the last minute on the day of the celebration. Having a written plan is essential. 

 7)    Do what works -- There’s no need to reinvent what you do every year for the holidays. If something you’ve done before has worked (e.g. a recipe, a seating arrangement, decorations) keep doing it. Include what works in your written plan. Having components of your celebration that you repeat becomes a part of the tradition and people look forward to traditions and annual “rituals”.

8)    Delegate wherever possible -- As the old saying goes, “many hands make light work.” Everyone wants to help and be a part of the celebration, even small children. Other people have talents and skills that you don’t. You really can't do it all -- at least not if you want to be healthy, sane and have some fun yourself! If you need babysitting so you can shop, ask for that. If you need help moving furniture, ask for that. One particular case of this is:

 9) Have others bring food -- Even if you’re not hosting a potluck, others enjoy contributing food to a holiday celebration. They feel more a part of the celebration if they've contributed -- and food is a particularly primal way to contribute.

10)  No One Cares What Your House Looks Like  -– Who is looking at whether the floor has been vacuumed? No one -- they're too busy with each other and the food and presents. Would you even want to hang around anyone to whom a clean floor is more important than the celebration? Again, an old saying works here: “The people that matter don’t mind and the people that mind don’t matter.”

11) Get support -- take care of yourself. Do something to feel supported, whether that's a massage or just time alone.

12) Set Good Boundaries -- What anyone thinks of you is none of your business. Stay away from people and places that stress you.

13)    Breathe -- Remember to breathe. Breathing brings you back into alignment.

The cancer in your soul

Every now and then I read something that says what needs to be said in such a clear and elegant way that I wish I'd written it myself. This is one such piece:

The cancer in your soul | The Intention Experiment

Relatives for the holidays? Here's help!

We all know that being with our families, especially if we're going to our childhood home, or if we're going to be on 'their' turf, can bring up old feelings, old ways of being, that we've outgrown. We feel uncomfortable, or even miserable. We begin to wonder what's wrong with ourselves, and why we aren't acting like the person we know we've become.

You know, you go home, and your mother makes a comment about your clothes, and all of a sudden, you're 15 again, and resentful. Or your uncle is drinking again, and everyone rushes into their old enabling ways -- and you now see them for what they are.

And maybe you blame it on them.  Remember -- all relationships are two way streets. As the old saying goes, it takes two to tango.

Here's what you need to know to cope:

• It's not about the present, it's about the past -- Because you have such a long history between you, you automatically fall into old patterns. These have been hardwired into your brain through long practice. 

Research shows that anything you do regularly creates neural pathways in your brain, and then you automatically run down those paths. A good analogy is lots of people walking between the same two buildings across a grassy field will literally create a dirt pathway, which new people then follow. 

Don't beat yourself up about this, just notice it and consciously choose a new path. This is work -- go easy on yourself.

• They're not evil, they're just being who they are - If you've changed, and maybe even if you've just gotten some distance and some new reference points, you'll see dysfunction in things that just used to be normal. 

Judgment is singularly unhelpful here -- acceptance is a much better choice, even if you choose to set some boundaries for yourself around the dysfunction. At one point in my life, I decided that when I didn't want to hear an elderly relative's racist comments, I would just get up and leave the room, as quietly and unobtrusively as I could. There was no point in trying to change her, and no point in hanging around and feeling angrier and angrier. BTW, going to the bathroom is a useful 'excuse' in this situation. (PS - no one ever noticed.)

• They expect you to be who you used to be - Why wouldn't they? They haven't been with you when you've had transformative experiences -- and unless you're extraordinarily close, you probably didn't mention them over the phone, either. 

My mother still thinks my favorite cheese is Jarlsberg, even though I've discovered I'm mildly allergic to cow's milk, so my new fave is Manchego, a sheep's milk cheese. Yes, I've mentioned it, but why would she remember? I'm gracious, as I thank her for trying to remember my preferences, as I remind her -- and then I eat a sliver, because I do still like it.  

• You expect them to be who they used to be - This is the same thing - you may be surprised to find out your relatives have, in fact, changed. You could make a game of noticing - or asking - what their biggest discoveries have been since you've seen them last. In that spirit of rediscovery, you might find it easier to change the old annoying ways of relating. 

Armed with  these tactics -- have fun! Something new may await you.

The impressionyou manage appears to be your own!

We all know that when we try to stage manage ourselves, to appear in a certain way ("I'm confident", "I really know what I'm doing"), things feel a little weird. Here's evidence that your own perceptions change when you try to manage those of others:

BPS Research Digest: Trying to create an impression can alter your perception of others

Are some people more likely to get SAD -- just because of when they're born?

Season of birth may have long-term effects on personality, study suggests

Think of the Devil...

Most people know to call me on my land lines, not my cell phone, so my cell phone doesn't ring much. 

Last night, I was at a lecture where Marilyn Schlitz, the head of the Institute of Noetic Sciences, was speaking about their project on worldviews, based on her book, Living Deeply , and taking that into the schools. I thought strongly of a friend of mine, who is a middle school teacher in inner city LA, because I knew it was just up her alley. We were really good friends in college, but we don't talk all that much now -- we're both busy with work, family, etc. We hadn't spoken, in fact, since August. I actually wished she were there with me, listening to the lecture, so she could get fired up about it. 

During the lecture, my cell phone rang -- my friend in LA!

As I explained to her, telepathy needs two participants -- a sender and a receiver. I'm a powerful sender, and I guess she's a pretty good receiver. 

I really want to hear from you -- does this happen to you? When? Why? How?

PS - The title of this comes from the old expression, "Speak of the devil and he appears." I am in no way calling my friend the devil.

Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin

I got this because I love her stand-up comedy, enjoy 'My Life on the D-List', and figured it would be good light reading. And it is -- it's fun, although you can skip the first three chapters, which were so boring I almost quit reading. (Sorry, Kathy -- and I know you're reading this, because you google yourself obsessively every day.)

The reason I'm writing about it here, though, is because there's a deeper message. Kathy describes very bluntly and clearly how show business works, and how deeply and completely committed you have to be to succeed, even when you're talented. She had plastic surgery to succeed (as did Lisa Kudrow, apparently). She reinvented herself many times. She paid for her own billboard in Hollywood in her campaign to win an Emmy. The list goes on from there.

This would be a great book to give a star struck teenager (Kathy's pretty blunt, it's definitely PG-13) so the teen knows what show biz is really like, and can decide if it's really for him/her.

But you should read it, too -- you'll find yourself laughing, and really liking Steve Wozniak.

Ignore at Your Own Peril

I reached a major milestone last Thursday, at least major for me -- I've now completed everything I need to do to be really on top of things, so I can move forward to new projects. I have renewed my CA real estate broker's license, cleaned out my files, reorganized them and shredded what had to be shredded, caught up on the bookkeeping, cleaned out the garage, overseen a few large real estate maintenance projects, dealt with the death of a beloved cat, and the exit from our home of my stepson. All of this, of course, on top of my usual reading/coaching sessions, and responsibilities to my business and our home. It feels great! :)

So when I finished my client work that day, I wanted to celebrate by -- okay, I know this doesn't sound like a celebration, but for me, on a weekday, it is -- going grocery shopping. Grocery shopping sounded like heaven! I could stop in at Trader Joe's and have a snack before I bought the 3 items I needed. I could wander around Costco and window shop before I bought my groceries. I could take my time, because there was nothing I really had to do.

But my sense of duty to my business said, "No, you have to send out your ezine. The main article is written, it will just take a few minutes to do the format changes to send it out, get it out."

So of course, iContact lost the work I'd already done, and refused to accept changes when I tried to start over. I spent an hour and half on the phone with a techie at iContact, who couldn't help me, and in the end just filed a bug ticket. (I'm doing someone else's QA again!) So there went 2 hours -- with less to show for it than before I began.

I should have just gone shopping!!

Many years ago, someone (wish I could remember whom) said, "Sometimes God speaks to us through our desires." Or maybe it's our guides or angels. Whatever. I should have listened to them last Thursday.

What did I learn? Ignore your guides' advice at your own peril.

Give the Gift of Clarity & Get Something for You, too!

Do you have a friend, or a family member, who is having a hard time in a relationship, or a business? Who just can't sort out which path to follow? Who can't decide whether to stay or go? Who can't see the forest for the trees?

This holiday season, rather than giving a quilted frog, or a book your friend might or might not read, give them what they really want -- clarity! One session with me will often help someone make huge changes. Here's what my clients say (posted on LinkedIn):

• “After my very first session with Hollis, I felt vibrant and vibrating, as if I could power the lights of an entire city. Through her amazing insight and remarkable accuracy, I achieved a sense of calm and purpose, as well as usable tools. I was able to feel the results of our session immediately, and in fact, the tools came in handy that very evening. Much gratitude and looking forward to our continued work.” Sharon King, Real Estate Agent
• “An hour with Hollis gave me the equivalent of two years of psychotherapy. Her insights are outstanding. I would not hesitate to give her my highest recommendation.” Ethan Hay, Educator
• “I was facing a tricky career situation before I contacted Hollis. This situation left me with great uncertainty and worry. But after only one session with Hollis, she provided me with much greater clarity and understanding of where my direction should be. I noticed an almost immediately increase in self-confidence and have been able to forcefully move in this my direction. Hollis helped me visualize my current state, and then gave me some exercises to help me continue to move in my new direction. I had never had a reading before and was a bit skeptical. But, Hollis took away all that skepticism and replaced it with confidence....and a new direction.” Jay Lipe, Marketing Consultant & Business School Lecturer
• “In less than an hour, Hollis helped me access and easily let go of my biggest unworkable habit, the need for approval. Since then, I've felt confidence and peace. I no longer have the need to please authority figures or certain other people. Letting go of that has made a huge impact! I can now speak up for myself, for what I want. I really appreciate the session we did, and am looking forward to more. I highly recommend Hollis Polk as a coach to get past blocks to success, joy and a better life. Great job!  Patricia Ogilvie, Web Marketer/Coach

To make this a bit easier, I am offering an holiday only special of 20% off for sessions of an hour or more paid for by Dec. 25, 2012. And along with this, I'll offer you this same 20% off for your next session of any length, completed by Feb. 28, 2013. Call me at 888-4-hollis (888-446-5547) to set this up, or send me an email at hollis@888-4-hollis.com.

(This offer is not to be combined with other programs, offers or discounts.)

With Much Love and Gratitude

I'm really grateful for everything in my life -- the good, the mundane, and even the so-called bad, because I get to learn and grow from it -- and I reflect on that daily. A partial list of what I'm thankful for includes:

• you, for reading and supporting me, today and throughout the years
• my friends and family (even if they're not reading this!)
• my guides, without whom much of my life would not be possible
• nature, without whom none of our lives would be possible
• technology -- where would we be without electricity, radio, TV, the internet, automobiles, transit, etc.?

As I said, I think about this every day, and Thanksgiving is a good opportunity to speak about with  you.

Gratitude is important for two reasons. The first is the simple, "What you focus on, expands". If you appreciate things, you get more of what you appreciate. The second is that it is actually good for your health! According to research at the Institute of HeartMath,

"...true feelings of gratitude, appreciation and other positive emotions can synchronize brain and heart rhythms, creating a bodywide shift to a scientifically measurable state called coherence. In this optimal state, the body’s systems function more efficiently, generating a greater balance of emotions and increased mental clarity and brain function.

"Sustained feelings of gratitude have real benefits, including the following:

• Biochemical changes – Favorable changes in the body’s biochemistry include improved hormonal balance and an increase in production of DHEA, the "anti-aging hormone."
• Increased positivity – Daily gratitude exercises can bring about a greater level of positive feelings, according to researchers from the University of Miami and the University of California, Davis who studied this process in 157 individuals over 13 days.
• Boost to the immune system – The IgA antibody, which serves as the first line of defense against pathogens, increases in the body.
• Emotional "compound interest" – The accumulated effect of sustained appreciation and gratitude is that these feelings, and coherence, are easier to recreate with continued practice. This is because experiencing an emotion reinforces the neural pathways of that particular emotion as it excites the brain, heart and nervous system. The downside is that you also can reinforce negative emotions."

Actually, I suspect that the coherence is what helps generate what you choose to create, so the first statement could more accurately be, what you focus on coherently, expands.

Siblings Share Genes, But Rarely Personalities

This is a good article, which details 3 theories about why siblings can be so different. It leaves out a fourth possibility, however, which is that we are born different (doesn't every parent know that their children were different from each other from the moment of birth?), because of either innate soul differences and/or experiences in different lifetimes.

NPR.org � Siblings Share Genes, But Rarely Personalities

Meditation reverses aging in brains

Yet another addition to the long list of meditation's benefits:

Meditation reverses aging in brains

We ARE all one!

If these particles are entangled at the quantum level, how is it possible for atoms, and molecules, and cells, and organs, and whole beings not to be entangled? 

Physicists demonstrate a four-fold quantum memory

New Meditation Research: Putting the 'Om' in 'Chromosome'

Yet another demonstration of the reasons to meditate:

Wray Herbert: New Meditation Research: Putting the 'Om' in 'Chromosome'

City Life Is Hard On The Brain | Apex Global Network Solution Inc.

When I lived in Manhattan and worked in midtown, I used to walk to work through Central Park. I wonder if that counts?

City Life Is Hard On The Brain | Apex Global Network Solution Inc.

Meeting Jessica's Mom

There is a moral to this story, but I don't want to give it away, so please read all the way to the bottom.

If you've ever been out with me, you know that I'll pet anything on four paws that will let me. I look to see if they're friendly, and if they are, I get into rapport with them. Part of getting into rapport is getting down on their level and letting them smell my breath by almost touching my nose with theirs.

Yesterday, I was on my usual walk, when I came upon a woman walking 2 small white dogs. They were both friendly, wagging their tails as they approached me excitedly. As I got down on their level, both came even closer. I reached to pet both of them, and then let them smell my nose. The Jack Russell terrier began to bark and growl, so I rocketed back up to standing position.

Their human apologized, saying that Woody had been a bit aggressive since, well, "I lost my daughter recently."

"I'm so sorry,"  I answered.

Then, before I could say anything else, she said, "Jessica died in the explosion", that is, the PG&E gas line explosion in San Bruno about a month ago. And then it hit me...

Woody didn't know what happened -- Jessica died suddenly, outside Woody's presence -- and he was a little freaked out. These were partly Jessica's dogs -- she walked them often and was home with them during the day when mom was at work. So now Woody is alone during the day, and he's wondering, what happened to Jessica? Why isn't she here? and perhaps feeling a bit abandoned.

I told Jessica's mom that she needed to explain to Woody what had happened. She could do this by sitting quietly with him (even waiting till he was asleep if necessary) and telling him, or telepathically showing him pictures of Jessica going into the light.

So the moral of the story is this: you never know when -- or how -- you'll be of service.

'Be Here Now' is Still the Best Advice

Mind is a frequent, but not happy, wanderer: People spend nearly half their waking hours thinking about what isn’t going on around them

4 Ways to Deal with Death and other Losses

My sweet Creature, my faithful companion of more than 18 years, aka 'the reading kitty', left her body a week ago. She loved nothing more than literally being on me, sitting in my lap while I did client sessions (An animal communicator once told me that Creature thought she was getting a healing each time.) She was fine till two days before she checked out (the vet gave her an AOK about 3 weeks previously), then suddenly had a hard time walking and finally didn't want water. I knew the end was near, and she breathed her last while in my arm, immediately after a reading. [If you're reading this on Facebook, many thanks for your thoughts, stories and prayers. I'm not rehashing old ground, rather, I'm sharing what I've learned from the experience.]

The experience got me thinking about the human experience of loss, what makes it so difficult and how to make it easier. I see four issues/remedies. The first two are for just about any loss of a person/relationship -- a romantic or marriage breakup,  a child going off to college, going into the military or just moving out, the ending of a friendship due to betrayal, and of course, your garden variety 'death', that is, one of sickness or old age, or even accident. [Murders feel very different -- trust me, one of my friends was murdered a while back.] The second two really relate only to 'death'. 

Issue 1 - Cords:  When you have an intense and/or long-term relationship with someone, your energy bodies (that is, the electromagnetic fields we all have) create electromagnetic connections with each other. These are  called 'cords' because they literally look like cords of energy between the two of you. This is why we say things like "my heart goes out to you" -- we have created an energy cord between our hearts. When one of you drops your physical body, or ends the relationship abruptly (even if it's planned), the cords, and their connections to your energy body are abruptly torn, leaving holes in your energy field. This is generally interpreted as emotional pain, though in truth, it's quasi-physical (one of the layers of the electromagentic body is emotional). This will usually heal in time, because bodies do know how to heal themselves. You can also intentionally heal the holes through visualization (call me at 888-4-hollis if you want help).

Issue 2 - Triggers: When you see your pet's favorite chair -- now empty, or hear 'our song', or catch the waft of a familiar cologne on the breeze, or taste Grandma's madeleine,  it can trigger a strong memory of the relationship you used to have. What you do with that memory, how you compare it to what exists in the present, and how often you access that comparison affects your experience of the loss. If you only compare what was (which you liked) to what is -- and label that change 'missing', you are probably going to be miserable. One really simple solution to this: if you are constantly experiencing the comparison, and finding it unpleasant, just 'Be here now" -- focus your attention in the present.

Since memories are carried holographically in our energy field, you can change them. What you do is  change yourself, your energy field, to match what is, not what was.  (Again, call me at 888-4-hollis if you want help, because there are specific NLP ways to deal with triggers).

Issue 3 - Beliefs: Many people have the mistaken notion that mourning, feeling bad, somehow honors the dead. Nothing could be further from the truth. Why would someone you love want you to suffer? This is the experience of one of my clients, who is also a medium. He says he's had multiple encounters with those on the other side, who say, 'please tell my loved on to move on -- I want him/her to be happy.'

If you truly believe your loved one is in a better place,  then you should be happy for him/her -- and the only person you are feeling bad for is you. And you can change that -- see (1) and (2) above.

Issue 4 - Transcommunication:  Which brings us to communication with the other side. Yesterday, I 'got' that Creature wanted to show me how much she loved me, and I could feel her little paws on my thighs as I sat. Now that I know she's fine, I'm fine. So do your best to communicate across the veil, and if you need help to do it, get help.

Whining can be fun! & So can listening to it!

Next time you catch a regular complainer in the act -- even yourself -- try this great technique:

1. Set a timer (most cell phones have them) for 2 minutes. - This limits the amount of time for the whining to something you actually have time for.
2. Complain for a solid 2 minutes. The catch is that the only word you can us is "blah". 

Frustrated? Blah BLAH blah blah blaaaaaah blahblah blah blah blah.

Annoyed? BLAH BLAH blah BLAH blah blah BLAH!

Super ticked off? BLAH BLAHBLAH BLAHBLAHBLAHLAH!!! BLAH!

And go on for 2 minutes. Run out of rant on one subject? Switch to another: blah blah blahblah blah!

If you're listening, then respond as you usually would -- but again, only using the word, "blah": a soft blah blah blahblah.

You'll be amazed at what happens! I don't want to tell you, because I want you to try this for yourself, but there were 2 main reactions in the group of 40 or so people with whom I learned this, and both were good. Try it, post a comment here, or send me an email, and I'll let you know how you compare to the group.

[Big thanks to Suzi Smith, who taught this technique at last weekend's NLP conference.]

Meditate Enhances Positive Emotions

Not exactly new news, and still good to be reminded:

Meditation: Can it strengthen positive emotions? - Point of View