Friday, April 29, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Monday, April 25, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
My gift to you
If there were one gift I could give everyone, it would be the ability not to take things personally, to stay neutral under what seem like personal attacks. It would eliminate so much unnecessary suffering.
I bring this up because I had a perfect example the other day. A client called me after a fight with her boyfriend, wondering if their relationship was over. When I looked at him psychically, what I saw was that he was having a career identity crisis. He was unbelievably frustrated at his perceived failure at a job he didn’t really want anyway, while working successfully but slowly on the side to create his ideal work. And in his frustration, he just lost it at her over a minor disagreement. Because he called her some names, she took it personally. That’s natural in the circumstance, and of course the best thing would be for him to learn to separate his frustration at his work from his disagreement with her.
But she, not he, was my client. And all she can change is herself. So what she can learn to do is to ground, take a deep breath, relax a bit, ask the question, ‘What is going on for him?’ and wait for the answer to come. It will always come, because at some level, we really do know what's going on with others. It may take a while, and the more you ask the question, the faster the answers will come.
Then she can act on that answer, for example, mirroring back his frustration to him, rather than holding on to her position. This gives him the space to acknowledge his feelings, and possibly go deeper into them, rather than making her wrong. That makes the relationship stronger and safer.
Think about all the circumstances where this technique might be appropriate. A good clue is that the attack on you is completely out of proportion to what was happening immediately before the attack. I’m sure you’ll think of a few. Remember to
- ground,
- take a deep breath
- relax your body consciously and
- ask, ‘What is going on for him/her? What is this outburst doing for him/her?’
- wait for the answer
Sometimes, though, the argument is really about you, or about the relationship. How do you tell? I’ll tackle that in my next blog.
I bring this up because I had a perfect example the other day. A client called me after a fight with her boyfriend, wondering if their relationship was over. When I looked at him psychically, what I saw was that he was having a career identity crisis. He was unbelievably frustrated at his perceived failure at a job he didn’t really want anyway, while working successfully but slowly on the side to create his ideal work. And in his frustration, he just lost it at her over a minor disagreement. Because he called her some names, she took it personally. That’s natural in the circumstance, and of course the best thing would be for him to learn to separate his frustration at his work from his disagreement with her.
But she, not he, was my client. And all she can change is herself. So what she can learn to do is to ground, take a deep breath, relax a bit, ask the question, ‘What is going on for him?’ and wait for the answer to come. It will always come, because at some level, we really do know what's going on with others. It may take a while, and the more you ask the question, the faster the answers will come.
Then she can act on that answer, for example, mirroring back his frustration to him, rather than holding on to her position. This gives him the space to acknowledge his feelings, and possibly go deeper into them, rather than making her wrong. That makes the relationship stronger and safer.
Think about all the circumstances where this technique might be appropriate. A good clue is that the attack on you is completely out of proportion to what was happening immediately before the attack. I’m sure you’ll think of a few. Remember to
- ground,
- take a deep breath
- relax your body consciously and
- ask, ‘What is going on for him/her? What is this outburst doing for him/her?’
- wait for the answer
Sometimes, though, the argument is really about you, or about the relationship. How do you tell? I’ll tackle that in my next blog.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Instant Practice
It’s an oxymoron, right? No, actually, it’s a really cool practice that takes intention, but no time out of your day. And it’s more difficult (at least for me) and more interesting than you might imagine.
So, what’s the practice?
Simply this – be present as you walk into or out of your front door.
I’ve been practicing for about 10 days now, and still only succeed in remembering to do it about half the time. Others have posted notes on their doors as reminders, but that seemed like cheating to me. If the point is to be present, then the point is for it to come from inside me. It’s funny, I find that I can be thinking about being present just a few seconds before I open the door, and still forget! Now, I find that the key to the door is becoming an anchor to help me remember. I’m also making myself go through the door again when I forget.
When I do remember, it’s miraculous! My state changes – I become centered and grounded, and much more aware of the energy inside versus outside. Going inside feels like my energy welcoming me. Going outside feels like freedom and opening.
There’s an old Jewish custom of placing a mezuzah, which is basically a small cylinder, containing a prayer, on the door frame of your front door. You’re supposed to kiss it (or at least kiss your fingers and then touch your fingers to it) every time you enter or leave your house. I don’t know much about the official meaning of the mezuzah, but I’ll bet that at some level, its purpose is to bring you present each time you cross the threshold.
Are you willing to try the practice? If you do, let me know, maybe by posting here, what happens for you. Have fun!
So, what’s the practice?
Simply this – be present as you walk into or out of your front door.
I’ve been practicing for about 10 days now, and still only succeed in remembering to do it about half the time. Others have posted notes on their doors as reminders, but that seemed like cheating to me. If the point is to be present, then the point is for it to come from inside me. It’s funny, I find that I can be thinking about being present just a few seconds before I open the door, and still forget! Now, I find that the key to the door is becoming an anchor to help me remember. I’m also making myself go through the door again when I forget.
When I do remember, it’s miraculous! My state changes – I become centered and grounded, and much more aware of the energy inside versus outside. Going inside feels like my energy welcoming me. Going outside feels like freedom and opening.
There’s an old Jewish custom of placing a mezuzah, which is basically a small cylinder, containing a prayer, on the door frame of your front door. You’re supposed to kiss it (or at least kiss your fingers and then touch your fingers to it) every time you enter or leave your house. I don’t know much about the official meaning of the mezuzah, but I’ll bet that at some level, its purpose is to bring you present each time you cross the threshold.
Are you willing to try the practice? If you do, let me know, maybe by posting here, what happens for you. Have fun!
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