Saturday, April 27, 2013

How to Deal with Betrayal

You've certainly been betrayed. Maybe your significant other cheated on you. Maybe someone stole from you; maybe it was someone you really trusted. Maybe someone blabbed something you told her in confidence -- all over Facebook. Maybe someone embezzled from an organization to which you contributed. Or maybe the premise under which your government has been operating has been a complete lie. (Warning: this last is a bit wonkish,)

So it's not just you who have been betrayed; it's everyone. And I've been thinking about that a fair amount lately. Here's what my guides have to say -- it's a bit dry, but it is fairly complete:

Trust is required for human cooperation, which is required for human life. All betrayal is a betrayal of trust. You trust people to either
  • Do something (e.g. keep information private, be sexually faithful, protect your goods)
  • Be who they represent themselves to be (e.g. licensed as a cosmetic surgeon if that is what someone holds himself out to be, or in love with you, if that's what he says)
Betrayal engenders lack of trust, which causes anger and grief. Anger is a natural reaction to a violation, in this case a violation of trust. All grief is loss, which can be physical or emotional, and if you are betrayed, you have lost trust, at the very least, but perhaps also money, or a sense of safety, or many other things.

Betrayal opens your eyes to the real reality. It also calls into question, at least temporarily, the nature of your own reality, not to mention your own judgement. But you can always trust your own experience. You may reframe the meaning of the entire experience in light of the betrayal, but your experience is yours, and can not be undone.

Here is a timeline of how betrayal happens, more or less, that is, the cycle of betrayal:
  • All is well
  • Betrayal
  • Lies to cover betrayal
  • Discovery of betrayal
  • Shock, anger, grief
  • Self-flagellation (why didn't I see this?)
  • Dealing with the consequences of the betrayal
  • Integration/healing process (including cycling through the 3 steps below)
  • All is well, with new knowledge/options/choices
Please note that the time frames here are hugely variable, from days to decades. 

The questions to ask yourself in order to deal with betrayal are:
  • What have I lost?
  • What do I still have? (hint: your experience, your abilities)
  • How was I violated?
  • What can be done to rectify that situation, either by the other person, if he/she wants to make good, or by me, if I want to be in some sense whole again?
Knowing the truth will help you make better choices going forward.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Ask & You Shall Receive!

I recently agreed to help a friend rehab a downtown San Francisco office building, which she owns, but is too busy with her main business to attend to herself. The building is mostly vacant, with a small portion occupied by her company. Renovations, like additional sprinklers, added electrical capacity and a new air handling system, are necessary to make the building rentable. Without the renovations, she has an asset that is really underperforming.

I've been working on what needs to be done to the building in order to make it rentable, working from a 10 year old inspection report. Since there are plumbing, HVAC, electrical/data, sprinkler and roofing issues, I have to think about in what order they should done. So far, I've learned that you must begin the HVAC work (removing old unit), replace the flat roof, and then install new air handling unit. For example, I suspect that plumbing must be done before the roof, as well, but don't know that for sure. (I should mention that although I've done a lot of residential rehab, I've never worked on a commercial building before, and the systems are a bit different.)

So I was thinking about how to get that workflow info, as well as a good source for commercial vendors, which are harder to come by than residential. (The residential ones are on craigslist, yelp, etc. but the commercial ones mostly aren't, as their business is much more word of mouth.) I thought about Jim, a member of my extended family (my husband's cousin's husband) who used to have a paving contractor's license, who does really good work himself (his house is very well done, and he's helped me a bit with our house), and clearly knows what quality work is in all of the trades. He is now the property manager for a large church which also has a K-12 school, along with other buildings and parking lots, and so he's dealing with commercial people all the time, not to mention flat roofs.

A few weeks ago, on a Wednesday, as I'm sure you know, a new pope was elected. I don't really care about that, not being Catholic, but on the way home from the jobsite on BART, my cell phone picked up a network named "Vatican" at the Daly City station! It has never done that before, nor has it ever picked up ANY network at the Daly City BART, which I've ridden a few times in the last few weeks.

I thought that was pretty remarkable, and said so to the nice, middle aged lady next to me. (I never really talk to anyone on BART, either.) She remarked that she didn't own a cell phone, or a personal computer, though she used one all day at work. We got to chatting, and I heard the words "tenants" and "engineers" both, so I asked her if she was a property manager. The answer was yes! She is the property manager for a small hotel chain, which also owns about a block of SF, right off Union Square. She's been at that job for over 20 years. I explained my situation very briefly, and she is willing to talk to me and to share her rolodex.

I got home, took a phone call, changed my clothes and went to yoga. I was a little early, but that was okay. As I got out of my car, I saw a couple of people who looked familiar -- Jim and his wife (my husband's cousin)! So I told them about my new position, and asked Jim if he's willing to share his expertise and rolodex. Of course, the answer is yes! :)

Just another instance of intention creating reality. The amazing thing to me is that I never did anything formal about setting an intention. I just kind of thought about what I needed. And the information I needed, in the form of two people,  one of whom I didn't even know, showed up almost immediately. Be clear what you want, ask and you shall receive!

Want to learn more about contacting ETs? Here are 2 ways:

 If you've read this blog for a while, you'll know I've been contacting star visitors, with my husband and many others, for 6 or 7 years now. If you're interested in making contact yourself, go to

You can join for free, and see who's making contact near you. If you have been interested in doing this, you probably feel pretty alone. You don't have to feel alone any more. If you simply have questions, it's a great place to ask those who've been doing this for a while. 

Furthermore, Sirius, the movie coming out soon, and will be streaming online. My wonderful husband is in this movie (we don't yet know how big a part, as we haven't seen the movie), but he is in this trailer.

The film will be streaming online on Monday, 4/22. I'll post the link here, as soon as I have it.

Have fun!