Funeral

Well, actually, a memorial service, as she was cremated. But it sucked anyway. I mean, most everyone was pretty positive - one speaker said, Charlotte didn't need a eulogy, because everyone knew she was light on earth, grace and compassion personified, as well as a lot of fun. But many of us, including me, got tearful.

What was hard for me wasn't that Charlotte 'died', because if I can't see her or feel her, that's a failure of my communication, not that she has gone out of existence. No, it's seeing my friends suffer. And these are women (and one man, but I think for him it's more about mortality) who know as much as I do that she still exists. One of them, who says, tearfully, that's she not doing well, probably has talked with her, herself. So telling them that I know for a fact that Charlotte is fine doesn't help at all. So there isn't much I can do. I have offered to be there for my friends -- we'll all have to pull together. I feel pretty exhausted, pretty drained by it.

I understand that funerals are for the living, but I really get now, how selfish grief is. It's not about the person who 'died', it's about the person who still 'lives' and what they 'lost'. And perhaps funerals help, so that people don't feel alone in their grief, but maybe they make it worse, too, because all that sadness and loss is in one room together, reinforcing itself. And we all know that the 'dead' person wouldn't want us to feel awful.

As Charlotte says, "There is nowhere that I am not." Wow! So she really is right here. Was there in the room with us, too.

Though I must say, I kept expecting Charlotte, in her body, to walk around a corner into the hall.

Before the event, I 'saw' that I was supposed to stand in the back right corner of the room, and send healing energy into it. I spent the entire service standing in the back corner, gave my seat to a friend, in fact, so I could do it. I asked 'the folks' to send energy, and at points could 'see' a golden light in the room. And I tried, as much as I could, to attach the frayed ends of people's cords to Charlotte to the light. I don't know how well that worked, but I think I 'heard', as I fell asleep last night, that I had done a good thing.

Today, I'm going to help her (adult) daughter, an only child, deal with the financial picture, which I understand isn't pretty, because of all the medical bills (don't get me started on national health insurance, which we should have). Maureen shouldn't lose the house she grew up in because her Mom had the temerity to get sick. At least I can try to help.