Geeks (& former geeks) unite! It really does get better.

Yes, you were born this way, whatever 'this way' was. Maybe it's about sexual orientation, but maybe it's about being interested in science when that isn't cool. Or being really tall or short of fat or skinny. Being who you are in high school sucks -- but it's a really good thing later on:

Why geeks make better adults than the in-crowd - Yahoo! News

Podcast of 5/25 "Your LIfe, Your Relationships" is up!

The show included a long discussion on soul mates -- what they are and are not, how to find yours.

To listen online, click here.

To download by RSS feed, go to
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http://www.progressiveradionetwork.com/archives/

and scroll to the bottom of the page for 'Your Life, Your Relationships". You can get iTunes there as well.

Are You Asking the Right Question? How to Know & What to Do Instead

Sometimes, when you're confused about something, when you can't get clear direction, it's because you're asking the wrong question. Here's what I mean:

Yesterday, I was doing a reading for a long-time client I'll call Zoe. I've seen Zoe through job changes, and a couple of marital separations and reconciliations, but she's in a pickle now that beats all.

Obviously, since she's had a couple of marital separations, it's never been the best of marriages. Though Zoe moved out a couple of times, she always went back to Neil to take care of her 3 daughters, the last of whom recently left the nest. (And we all know how many marriages break up when the last child flies the coop, don't we?) To make matters worse, Neil contracted a virus a few years ago, that led to huge heart problems, and is now waiting for a new heart. To complicate matters even more, Zoe's fallen in love with a single coworker -- and the feelings are reciprocated. Both of them are simultaneously deliriously in love and horrified because of the situation. Oh, and did I mention that Zoe's a devout Catholic, so divorce is out of the question?

Zoe's been calling to talk, to explore what is the right thing to do. Obviously, the 'right' thing is to take care of her ailing husband (who has about a 50% chance of surviving), but she is so miserable at home that she can't shut down the budding relationship. And divorce is even beginning to look like a viable option.

When I read for clients, I pretty much get answers to the questions they're asking. That is the way they are focusing my attention, and so that is the information that comes through. So if my client asks me, should I leave my husband?, I ask her to clarify what she hopes to get by doing that. Then I give her the probability of getting the result she desires by taking the action she proposes. She decides whether to take the proposed action. (I never tell anyone what to do.) Sometimes it's obvious -- what you propose is highly unlikely to get what you want -- and sometimes it's unclear, a 50/50ish result.

This was the sort of thing we were doing yesterday -- and it's the sort of thing we've done before. She seemed to be going around and around the same subject, with the same emotional and thought patterns. But somehow, yesterday, Zoe cried out in anguish, "How the hell did I get here?"

And all of a sudden I 'got' that the problem had started very early in the marriage, when Neil, wanting to make Zoe happy, had agreed to move closer to her family. To me, Zoe protested that this made no sense to her as the main problem in her marriage. But it turned out that the move meant taking a lower paying job, which he didn't like as much as his old one, as well as moving away from his own birth family, to whom he was very close. Though on the surface, everything seemed the same, Neil had never forgiven her for this, nor had he forgiven himself for agreeing to it. He had mentioned his regret (but not his slowly simmering anger) occasionally over the next 25 years, but Zoe had just sort of let that go.

Now that Zoe knew the root cause of their problems, she had something she could do to change things. She could bring it up. She could tell him she appreciated his sacrifice. She could understand and forgive the many small ways he'd been mean to her. She could apologize. She could ask him to forgive her. She could ask him to forgive himself. He may or may not forgive her or himself, but at least she can have more compassion for both of them.

The lesson here is that if you're not getting a clear solution to a problem, then you're asking the wrong question. This is especially true of a dilemma, which is a problem with only 2 options for answers. Here are a few questions to ask to get unstuck:

• What is the deeper nature of this problem?
• What do I really want?' (rather than 'what do I think I can have?')
• How did I get here?
• Does this issue remind me of any other issue I've faced? How is it similar? How is it different? 
• What am I trying to learn from this situation? What is my higher self (or God or the Universe or whatever nominalization you want) trying to teach me? (And there may be more than one lesson.) 
• What other options are out there?
• Is this even my lesson -- or am I just helping someone else learn?

I'm sure you have questions that can be added to this list. Post them here, or send them to me privately -- I'd love to hear them.

Links from today's show (5/18/11)

Here are the two books I recommend on lucid dreaming. The first is a useful background book, and the second is more of a 'how-to'. You might find the first at your local library; you'll probably have to buy the second.

Click the link to see the YouTube video, "No More Secrets", which is about how we are all connected. We really all can know everything that's going on, and has gone on, through our intuition, if we develop it properly. 

Lose the Illusion; Keep the Vision

When you become disillusioned with someone or something (like an institution), do you throw your metaphorical hands up in the air and just give up? Bad idea. Because when you give up, whether it's on a person or a relationship, or an institution, you're letting what you don't want carry the day.

What am I talking about? Here are a couple of examples, one on a personal level, one on a systemic one.

First the personal:

An acquaintance of mine, Alan, in his mid-50s and newly divorced after a long marriage, is out in the dating world again. He has in mind a tall, blond, 40-ish babe, someone whom he can show off at professional functions, someone who can keep up her end of the conversation, always has on the perfect outfit and makeup, but doesn't need him to do anything for her financially. He feels that he is somehow entitled to all this.

Alan is intelligent and articulate, and not bad looking (but no Pierce Brosnan). He also has a kind of wall of anger about him that I've seen skirt dangerously on verbal abuse. (In fact, he calls himself an @$$#0|-.) He's got a doctorate and a good job, but the divorce has devastated him financially. So he's not exactly a catch for a 40 year old babe.

Within about 8 weeks of joining match.com, Alan met someone who is in many ways the woman of his dreams! Except that he won't acknowledge it. She's  smart, educated and articulate, working at a job she loves, and has a loving presence and seems to accept him for who he is, anger and all. They both like to hike and ski -- and frequent jazz clubs. They hold the same political views. She is his age, short, dark -- and attractive in a sporty sort of way.

But Alan can't see the gem he's found, because he's got this huge illusion of who he's supposed to be with obscuring his perception. If he'd give up his illusion, he'd have a chance at a great relationship.  (Actually, I think he's avoidant, and the illusion is his method of keeping a great mate away.)

Here's what giving up illusions can do for you on a systemic level:

A colleague of mine, Jenni, whom I absolutely respect on a professional level, used to have radically different political views from mine. Of course, like me, like most of us, she would like to see a world where everyone can thrive. She just had different views about what policies and plans could get us there.

Because the financial meltdown affected her personally, though, Jenni has become willing to examine her beliefs, like the belief that our government is here to support and protect the people (the government did not adequately supervise the financial industry, leading to all kinds of financial shenanigans and eventually the financial meltdown).

Her disillusionment with the government's regulatory system has led to a complete withdrawal from political engagement because 'government sucks'. Well, it sucks if we let it. If you keep your vision, and accept the reality of what is, you can help create that vision. Only when you let go of your illusions, and see what is really there, in fact, can you become an effective change agent.

Lose your illusions, but keep the vision. Your life and the lives of other may well be better for it.

Podcast of 5/11 show is up!

The show included lots of your calls and emails about all sorts of relationships, including friends and  lovers.

To listen online, click here.

To download by RSS feed, go to
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If you subscribe, you'll get all this great information automatically delivered to you!

Links from today's show (5/11/11)

This is a great book -- why you should use positive reinforcement, as well as how to do it.

Are you too busy?

A while back, when I asked a friend of mine, a psychologist, how he was, he answered, "Working harder for less."

I'm sure that's true for a lot of us -- it's surely true for me. And when we're making less, we have to give up the support services we used to use -- the cleaning service, the gardener, take-out food, even prepared food at the grocery store. So now, besides working more hours at our jobs or businesses, we have a second shift at home. Okay, we always had a second shift at home, but now that takes longer, too.

Now, I believe that working hard and honestly is a virtue. I also know that reflection is often needed for learning, so that you don't make the same mistake twice. Reflection is needed for clarity, as well, to be clear about what you're choosing to create in your life (for work, a mate, etc.), what's stopping you from creating that, what actions you're going to take, even when those actions are simply changing your thoughts. [The Law of Attraction requires clear intention.]

Busyness can get in the way of that clarity. If you never have time to think or reflect, it's really hard to get out of your own way and create a different life for yourself. So how do you get un-busy?

• Put reflection time in your calendar - It's important, so set it up as an appointment with yourself. And keep the appointment!
• Multi-task (and I know this one sounds counter-intuitive) - For some of us, exercise is a time of reflection, especially if it's repetitive and not particularly intense. Walking, jogging, using an ellicptical machine, set so it's a bit of effort, and you aren't huffing and puffing, can actually stimulate reflection.
• Let go of some things - Is anyone really going to notice the dust bunnies under the bed? (And what are they doing looking under the bed any way?) Can the beautiful scrapbook wait, in favor of a few notes on a sticky attached to a photo? Right now make a list of 3 things that are not bringing you a monetary or emotional return on your time -- and then quit doing them.
• Let someone else drive - Maybe some people can use driving time for reflection. If that's not you, let someone else drive (and really let him or her drive, don't back-seat drive). Use that time for reflection or meditation. Carpooling can do more than save gas! 
• Get organized - Searching for things takes up valuable time. If you are not a naturally organized person, trade her organizing for some skill you have.
• Eat simply - Make a one-pot meal (think soup or stew in the winter and salad in the summer). Cook a couple of dishes in quantity, and eat them for a few days. Or freeze some in small portions, thereby making your own fast food.

Please add your ideas here -- I'd love to hear them!

Dealing with a Drunk

Do you have, or have you ever had, an alcoholic in your life? I'm pretty lucky -- I have never had a very close friend or family member have addiction problems. Until now.

Serena is a friend of several decades. We were roommates briefly, way back when, when I was changing cities, and a lease ended, and I couldn't move for a couple of weeks. She was kind enough to take me in. At the time, I noticed that if we opened a bottle of wine, she drank the majority of it. If we went to a party, she had one too many, but she was a funny, sweet drunk, so I mostly just enjoyed her company. We were young; everyone partied; I excused it.

Then I moved. Though we kept in touch through job changes and moves and marriages and kids and separations and divorces, we really didn't see each other much. When she got pregnant with her daughter, she told me she'd stopped drinking. I guess her husband insisted, and insisted she stay sober for her daughter's entire childhood, which she did. But her daughter went off to college last fall, and her drinking resumed. To make matters worse, her husband left her.

Serena's living in California now, has been for a few years, and so we're spending time together. I've noticed that she's drinking a lot. If I see her in the evening, I have to drive, because I don't trust her to. Sometimes she slurs her words. I've seen her pass out, very genteelly, of course, but pass out nonetheless.

I'm horrified. I'm sad. I'm scared for my friend. I don't really know what to do. I tried the Al-Anon website, which was not all that helpful, because I'm not family, or even close enough for Serena's drinking to affect me, except for friendly concern. Then I found this article, by a recovering alcoholic, who is also a family member of other alcoholics, which is quite helpful.

So here's what I'm going to do:

• Take Serena out for coffee, early in the day on a weekend. (She only drinks in the evening, so she'll be sober. We'll be in a neutral location, in public, which is the safest place to have any difficult discussion, something I learned at Harvard Business School. Because it's the weekend, we'll have time to talk.)
• Tell her specifically what I have noticed. (In NLP, I learned that people can't deal with generalities, so it's best to be specific.)
• Tell her neutrally about my concern for her. (The article says that judging, labeling or shaming just make the problem worse. They give the alcoholic more reasons to drink. What the alcoholic needs is more resources, more ways to deal with the pain underneath the drinking.)
• Bring information about the nearest AA meetings, both locations and times.
• Listen neutrally and openly, using all the skills I've learned in NLP. (NLP has a whole model of linguistic rules which, when used by a listener,  help the speaker become more clear about what is going on.)
• Be non-attached to the outcome. Perhaps Serena will take some positive step. Perhaps not. Perhaps, despite my best efforts, she'll make me wrong for even bringing this up. I am prepared to lose the friendship, if that is what happens. 

Wish me luck! (And I truly welcome any additional ideas you'd like to post as comments here.)

Meditation May Have Anti-aging Effectsw

Meditation increases the amount of activity of telomerase, which protects genetic material during cell division. If I remember correctly, the telomeres degrade with age, which would mean that improving telomerase activity would decrease the effects of aging at a cellular level.

UC Davis: Center for Mind and Brain : Overview of the Shamatha Project

Why aren't there any good men/women out there?

If you haven't asked yourself that question at least once in your life, surely you have a friend who has asked it. The answer is surprisingly simple -- and still requires a bit of an explanation.

You have probably heard of the concept of attachment, the idea that we are biologically wired by evolution to become attached to certain people.  This conveyed survival advantages -- prehistoric humans who went it alone, without mutual dependence on others, often didn't survive long enough to reproduce. There is actually a system of emotions and behaviors, called the attachment system, which is designed to ensure we stay close to our loved ones, thereby staying safe and protected.

Most early studies of the attachment system were done on infants. Children 12 - 18 months old were put into a new environment, which they began to explore on their own, but with their mothers present. Then the mothers left. The kids' reactions were grouped into one of three categories:

• Securely attached - When Mom leaves, the child becomes distraught. When Mom returns, the child wants to be held by Mom, but is quickly reassured, and then goes back to exploring the environment.
• Anxiously attached - When Mom leaves, the child becomes extremely distraught. When Mom returns, the child is ambivalent, wanting to be held and angry simultaneously. The toddler takes longer to console, and even then, it's temporary.
• Avoidantly attached - When Mom leaves, the child acts as though nothing happened. When Mom returns, the child ignores Mom and continues to play. However, researchers have found that the babies heart rates and immune systems react just like the other children. That is, they are just as upset, even though they don't show it.

Turns out adults fall into the same categories! Secure people (about half the population) are comfortable with intimacy and don't obsess about their relationships.

Anxious people (about 20% of the population) are desperate for closeness and intimacy, but are very insecure about where the relationship is going. Right now, I have two anxious clients. They freak out when their 'boyfriends' (these women are both over 30, so I hesitate to use that word) don't return a text message. They call me regularly to check in on their boyfriends -- because even though these men say and do all the right things to tell these women that they are highly valued, the women don't quite believe it.

Then there are the avoidants (about 25% of the population). They are uncomfortable when they get too close to someone, and find ways to back off. Check out this FaceBook comment from a 'friend' of a 'friend' (I don't know him, and fwiw, he is most likely in his 50s). It speaks volumes, and says it much better than I ever could:

"... for the man, at least, there is no reason at all to get married these days. The whole marriage ceremony is set up for the woman to feel like a princess for one day. The man it set off to the side...

"Then you get a woman that is not ready for f@*king, but is ready for children. And who wants one of those f@*kers? Screaming, unruly shits... Then you get a life of not being able to f@*k any one else, without being able to f@*k your tired (for whatever reason) wife. 

"Then, when the whole thing goes south, as it inevitably does, you get a woman that's out for revenge--that's out for the very shit you spent your whole life accumulating. Just because she gave you some pussy for some years. It's not worth it. The pain is not worth it. The loss is not worth it. Shit, I'd rather get rid of my stuff on my own via EBAY than cede it to some cunt that had nothing to do with it, just because she tricked me into believing she wanted my cock forever... My hand is my wife, forever, just like my pan is my wife in the kitchen, and my toilet is my wife in the bathroom."

If you want to identify your own attachment style more clearly, try this test. It's enlightening, and at the end, there's a link to research into adult attachment.

To learn about your partner's attachment style, or how to identify the attachment style of a potential partner, check out the book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find -- and Keep -- Love.

Now, why aren't there any good men/women out there?The simple answer is that the avoidants are in fewer relationships, which don't last as long as those of people who are secure or anxious. That is, they're on the dating scene more often and longer than the people with whom who you'd actually want to be in a relationship. They are overrepresented in the dating pool.

The good news in all of this is that attachment style is "stable but plastic", that is, it can change over time. In fact, the book's authors say that about a quarter of people will change their style in 4 years. So, with some conscious choices in both your behavior and your partner, you can become securely attached, and at peace with your relationship.

Life on the Plateau

I typically greet friends with the question, 'What's new?" Of course, they tell me, and then ask me the same question.

I am often stumped because, at least on the outside, there is not much new. I've been married to the same man and lived in the same home for more than 10 years now. Nobody's died -- or been born. My business has its ups and downs, but basically, it's the same business. No family or close friends have gotten married lately. A couple of friends are getting a divorce, but that's not mine to discuss. Depending on the week, I have more or less time for hobbies -- and those haven't changed much either. I can't talk about exotic trips I don't take.

Most of my changes take place on the inside -- and I can't share those with many people. And sometimes, there aren't many of those, either.

That's the real plateau -- when nothing much is new, even on the inside.

Often, this is a good thing. We need to catch our breaths from all the change. So much is going on around us, if not to us -- births, deaths, marriages, divorces, jobs ending, jobs and businesses starting, illnesses and recoveries, moves of home and/or workplace. Then there are all the societal and political changes, too many to mention.

Sometimes we even need breaks from internal change. I know that when a client does a big piece of change work with me, that client needs to let it integrate, often for a couple of weeks, before becoming completely comfortable with who (s)he has become.

As a culture, we are fixated on what's new, what's changing, rather than on the deeper truths. Maybe a better question is, "What have you learned lately?" Because learning goes on, even on the plateau. In fact, I suspect that is what the plateau is for -- to help us deepen our learning. If you keep on doing what you're doing, practicing what craft or skills got you to the place you are, learning new things, you'll improve -- and new opportunities will come, and with them, change, starting the cycle again.

[For more on life on the plateau, check out George Leonard's classic,  Mastery -- a wonderful short book on the virtues of practice for its own sake, and loving the plateau.]

A New Type of Gratitude

This blog is called "Change Your Life in 10 Minutes a Day" -- and I found a new technique, a new practice, that really can do that.

It's a truism in the New Age community that the 'attitude of gratitude' helps power the Law of Attraction, which simply says that what you focus on expands. So if you're focusing on what you are grateful for, then you'll get more of that.

The problem with this is that if you are only focusing on things you are grateful for, you tend to sweep the less positive things under the rug. And what you ignore, endures. That is, by not dealing with it, by leaving it there in your psyche, your energy body, it attracts more of itself to you, too.

A couple of months ago, I happened upon Melody Beattie's "Make Miracles in Forty Days". Beattie is famous for her books about co-dependence, which are very clear. This is completely different. In it, she talks about how, by admitting how bad things are, you can start to turn things around.

Her process is very simple. Each day, you spend 10 minutes writing what you are grateful for. The twist is that you are also grateful for seemingly negative events and circumstances, as well as the emotions around them. For example, here is part of what I was grateful for, as I wrote in the first post in my gratitude journal after learning the process (Jan. 29, 2011):

• I am unable to lose weight
• I’ve mostly given up trying to lose weight, because I exercise and I've tried everything (low cal, low fat, low carb), stuck to it, and nothing's worked.
• I dislike my body at this weight

Now it's been more than 40 days, and I've been losing a pound a week for about 8 weeks. Yes, there is a real world mechanism here, which I'd rather not go into, and it is still a sort of miracle. 

More than that, though, is that there is a sort of peace from admitting this stuff, even if only to myself. I'd say the process works. Try it for yourself and see!

Here's the process:

Take 10 minutes every morning (I set a timer) and write the date and then:

"Today I am grateful that:

[Insert the good and bad here. Beattie used bullet points, and within each one could use multiple sentences.]

"Thank you for all that!"

That's it -- that's the whole process.

Obviously, in her book, Beattie elaborates more than this -- and it's still a very short book. It might take an hour and a half to read. Makes great bathroom reading, too, as it doesn't go overly deep.

 

If you try it please let me know what happens.

You may not know your significan other -- or friend -- as well as you think!

According to this research, we think we know our friends better than we do:

Couples sometimes communicate no better than strangers

Dealing with Betrayal

Last week, I found out that someone I thought was a friend neglected to refer me for a consulting gig with another manager at her workplace. It would have been part time for about 12 weeks, and highly lucrative (probably $20,000 or so). Ramona knew I wanted --- and could have used -- the work, and that I am highly qualified. I might not have gotten the gig, but the fact that she didn't refer me -- and didn't even tell me of the gig's existence so I could apply, despite the fact that I had mentioned looking for exactly this sort of opportunity, really feels like a betrayal. A minor betrayal in the larger scheme of things, perhaps, but a betrayal, nonetheless.

To be fair, I had coached Ramona through difficulties with this particular manager in the past, and she probably just didn't want to deal with the fallout from my interaction with him. Still.... she was acting in her own self-interest in a way that showed in how little regard she holds me.

Everything has its positive aspect, though: it got me to reflect on how to deal with a betrayal. Here are a few tips for how to act in the short run:

• Be gracious - Keep your cool as you find out you have been betrayed -- words once said can't be unsaid, and in this day of electronic replication, may be sent far and wide, without context. You may not understand the whole picture at this point. Take the high road. Nothing good ever came of revenge.
• Admit your feelings - Of course, you're angry. You have every right to be -- you were betrayed. Your trust and/or expectations were violated. Anger is normal in this situation, in fact, anger exists to alert you to violations. Talk to a trusted confidante, or write everything out in a journal. If your journal is in your computer, do NOT put it anywhere it could be accidentally sent out in an email. Don't put it online. Again, in this day of electronic replication, what you write (or worse, damning excerpts) may be sent far and wide, without context.
• Know that karma will take care of it - Know that people do get what they deserve -- even if it isn't in this lifetime. This is the concept of karma, a universal balancing out of energies. YOU  are not in charge of karma; the universe (or God, or Source, or whatever term you prefer) is.
• Pay attention to your ROLE (Return on Life Energy) - Does it serve you best to focus on revenge? Or to focus on your own life? There's an old saying that 'living well is the best revenge', so focus on what YOU are choosing to create in your own life. The betrayer may not be part of what you are choosing to create, or at least not in the ways you expected -- and you should thank that person for showing you that. (Hat tip to Susan Bernstein for the concept of ROLE - to hear our discussion about this, click here and listen to the 3/30 show from about 10 minutes in.)
• Ask yourself what you might have done to contribute to the situation - Did you excuse bad behavior in the past? Or willfully ignore what you already knew at some level? Was this a learning experience your soul wanted you to have? 

Here are some questions to help you decide what to do from here:

• Was this a pattern of behavior or a one time thing? A spouse having a years-long affair is quite different from a 'friend' failing to disclose a job opportunity. If there is a pattern of betrayal, getting away is probably your best course of action. If it's happened only once, though, perhaps the betrayer didn't realize what she was doing, or perhaps he was in a situation where there were no good solutions.
  
• Was this maliciously done to you, or were you simply collateral damage? Did the betrayer do this to hurt you intentionally, perhaps out of jealousy? Or was the betrayer just acting in self-interest, without thinking of you? If it was done maliciously, run in the other direction, as fast as you can. If you were the unintentional victim of self-interest, well, you know where you stand going forward. Act accordingly. 
• Has the person apologized? Accepted responsibility? Offered to make amends? And to avoid this behavior in the future? All of these things are necessary to repair a relationship, and they will mostly likely take time and effort.
• How valuable is this relationship to you? Is this someone who used to hang out with because it was convenient, and that was the extent of the relationship? You can let that one go easily. Or was this someone you trusted with your inner life, a close confidant? Or something in between? Are there parts of your relationship you can save?

 So here's what happened with Ramona: I was gracious -  I listened to her tell me what happened (she was at a point where she knew I'd soon find out, and was mature enough to step up at that point and tell the truth). I kept my cool, saying very little as she told me. I do know that she and her colleague will get everything they deserve, good and bad, and so I am moving on. I spent a few painful hours grokking what had happened -- and then I started to write this. That feels much better than wallowing in self-pity and anger. I did also look at what parts of my Self might have created this situation.

Here's how I assess the situation going forward: What happened was a one time thing, and I was collateral damage to her own career aspirations. I know where I stand, and I'm grateful for that clarity. Ramona neither apologized (or maybe I was too upset to hear it), accepted responsibility, offered to make amends nor to avoid this behavior in the future.

I value her talents and insights, as I still believe she values mine. That is definitely the basis for a limited relationship, one where we give each other professional advice. It is probably not the basis for a true friendship, but who knows? Life paths have many twists and turns, and our paths may grow closer in the future.

How to Talk to Yourself so Your Unconcscious Hears You

Last week on my radio show, "Your Life, Your Relationships", I had a caller who was so frustrated with his body and his situation that he wanted to 'break up with himself'. He had reached a place where he was feeling negative about everything in his life and wanted to be more positive. I suggested a particular language intervention for him.

I think I should pass this on to you, along with a few more ways of helping yourself think positively. It does take work to make a practice of using these positive language interventions -- and it is well worth the effort.

What follows is a list of what to do to change our most common ways of thinking negatively into more useful thoughts.

• Avoid the word "not" - The unconscious mind is very literal -- and it believes everything you tell it. Unfortunately,  it is incapable of hearing the word "not". (Don't believe me? Don't think of a purple walrus. What just happened? If you're normal (and don't know the game), you just thought of a purple walrus. Why? Because you have to make a picture of something in order to eliminate it.) Notice I used the word "avoid", rather than saying "Don't use".

• Eliminate the word "but" - When you use the word, "but", you are implying that what came before it is somehow false, or partly false. For example, when you say to a friend, "I like that dress, but the color isn't great on you" implies that you don't really like the dress, because when your friend asks you if you like it, "do you like it on me?" is implied.

          It's much better to use the word "and" - "I like that dress, 

          and the color isn't great on you" sounds very different, doesn't it? 

          Eliminate the word, "however", as well. As my friend, Janet 

          Crawford, says, '"However" is just "but" dressed up in a tuxedo.'

• Avoid the word, "can't" -  When someone uses the words, "I can't", what (s)he usually mean is "I won't". It's not that she can't come to your dinner party, it's that she isn't willing to do whatever is necessary to come. Occasionally, when someone says he can't, he really is disabled, as is the man in the wheel chair who says, "I can't run".

          If you choose not to do something, take responsibility for
          that, and say, "I have other plans" (even if the plans are to stay
          home and watch TV). This implies that the other plans are more

          important for some reason, and that's okay. It's okay to make
          choices -- that's life.

• Avoid the passive voice - "It can't be done" is just a way of avoiding responsibility; what the speaker probably means is either "I can't do it" or "I won't do it". Plus passive voice is boring and confusing for the listener. If you mean, "I'm not willing to do it" -- tell the truth -- say that.

• Avoid the words, "I'll try" - Right now, put your right foot flat on the floor. Now, try to pick it up. Don't pick it up, just try to. This is what Yoda meant when he said, “Do or do not... there is no try.” 

         Make a commitment. Yes, you might fail -- and you are much
         more likely to succeed than if you just "try".

Podcast of yesterday's (3/23) show is up!

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My guest,  Andrea Adams-Miller, can be reached at www.sexualitytutor.com .

Those gut feelings? WAAAY more important than you think!

You have to read this (it's short)! Your gut influences not only things like your immune system, but perhaps things like your personality and ability to learn.

WHY Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

My friend, Zoe, is a single mom, divorced for over 5 years now, who works in corporate HR. But for most of that time, she hasn't really been single, she's had a 'boyfriend' (that term seems so inappropriate for people in their 40s). She finally realized last summer that this was not a particularly good relationship for her, and so she ended it.

When I had dinner with her about a month ago, she was telling me all about her new, um, crush. Jeff was a very unconventional sort, living in an intentional community, working as an occasional carpenter. He'd sold a software business a while ago, so it seemed as though he might not even need to work. He rode a motorcycle, which was an aphrodisiac for her. The relationship was still in the stage of 'will we or won't we?', both of them having a great time together, but neither willing to say what exactly was going on.

When Zoe won tickets to a rock concert in a radio station contest, it was the perfect excuse to ask him out on a real date. She had the time of her life!

Last Wednesday, right before my radio show, Zoe texted me, "Jeff just pulled the plug -- pray for me".

The metaphor was very apt. I'm sure Zoe felt like she'd been unplugged from an energy source. Why? Because when we have a relationship with someone, we grow energetic cords between our energy bodies. If you've ever felt drained after being with someone, and didn't know why, here's a possible  explanation. If you've ever felt drained after breaking up with someone, this is an explanation. And there are things you can do to manage your own energy.

You can visualize yourself being protected, or fed energy by loving beings, or even imagine cutting those energetic cords.

There are other explanations, too. Evolution has wired our brains for bonding. According to Rutgers University professor Helen Fisher, being in love lights up the same areas of our brain, parts of the dopamine reward system, that are lit up by various chemical addictions. Remove the beloved and your brain acts like that of an addict deprived of its substance of choice, especially cocaine and nicotine.

As reported in Psychology Today, "UCLA psychologist Naomi Eisenberger, who discovered that social rejection activates the same brain area-the anterior cingulate-that generates an adverse reaction to physical pain. Breakups likely stimulate pain to notify us how important social ties are to human survival and to warn us not to sever them lightly.

"Although Eisenberger didn't study romantic rejection, she expects that it actually feels much worse than the social rejection she did document. "If you're getting pain-related activity from someone you don't care about, it would presumably be a lot more painful from someone you share memories with," she points out.

"The intensity of the pain may be what compels some spurned lovers to stalk their ex-partners; they're willing to do just about anything to make the hurt go away. Fisher believes that activation of addictive centers in response to breakups also fuels stalking behavior, explaining "why the beloved is so difficult to give up."

How to Keep It Together So You Can Help

I don't know about you, but I have been unbelievably sad about the tsunami and subsequent nuclear reactor melt-downs. At the same time, though, I know that my sadness, and even the fear that underlies that (What is going to happen to Mother Earth? Is this planet becoming uninhabitable -- by humans? by anyone?) are not helping anyone or anything. There has to be a better way. There has to be something I can do.

So when I asked my guides for help getting me out of my undeniable funk, here is what they said -- and it applies to all of us:

• You are a soul. This soul is eternal and non-physical.
• You volunteered to be here on Earth in a physical body at this most interesting time.
• You volunteered for a number of reasons. Some of these are personal (working out karma, learning soul lessons, etc.) and some of these have to do with the planet. Although a few souls volunteered solely for the planet, no one came solely for personal reasons. This is not possible, as the destiny of an individual is intimately intertwined with the destiny of the species, and the destiny of a species is intimately intertwined with that of its planet. One of the benefits of these world-scale disasters is to wake up those who have been behaving as if they are here only for themselves.
• It is your job to discern what your role is in relation to the species and the planet. Some people have jobs that have to do with leading people, or raising their spirits, or simply comforting them. Others have jobs that have to do with creating change, or even maintaining the status quo. Others' roles are simply to bear witness, both here and on other planes of existence. Yet others are tasked with speaking the truth here on Earth.(I'm sure there are more roles, but these are what I am reminded of now.)
• When you know what your job is, DO IT!
• Do not despair, simply do your job, with your whole heart and the intention to create a better world. Think how your role might fit into the current situation, and apply yourself to that.
• As you do this, you will feel divine energy flowing through you. Channel this energy where you sense it is most needed at that moment.

(Of course, give money. Of course, protest new nuclear power plants, which we are now reminded are unsafe. A very clear, completely sane Japanese friend, living in Japan, tells me she thinks the Japanese government is not telling the whole truth about what has happened.)